Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Yo, Gay-dog! Osama gots yo' back, foo'!

You know, I’ve read some pretty freaking long run-on sentences in my time, but I believe that this one here takes the cake. Put your thinking caps on kids as we take a wild, wonderful, torturous journey through Right Wing Pundit Michael Gaynor’s mind in this- his first non-Duke rape related story in what feels like a decade. Take it away, Mike!

Election reflections: Why vote Republican

With (1) November 7, 2006 less than six weeks away, (2) the stock market near the all-time high (having recovered from the Clinton recession and the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack), (3) employment up and unemployment down, (4) gas prices way down (hurricanes have not plagued America this year and President Bush rejected Democrat advice as to how to manage the national strategic reserve), (5) terrorists not having succeeding in making a follow-up attack on the American homeland (President Bush wisely having treated the terrorists as war enemies instead of common criminals, gone on the offensive, deprived Al Qaeda of its Afghanistan sanctuary and, as even Osama bin Laden concedes, made Iraq the central front in the War on Terror), and (6) President Bush and his fellow Republicans having joined the political battle to counteract the poisonous effect of Democrat lies constantly repeated by Democrat politicians concerned more with taking political power than taking out the terrorist enemy , buttressed by the reporting of the Leftist mainstream media led by Al Qaeda's favorite America newspaper (The New York Times) and television's NBC, CBS, CNN and ABC (shows like Chris Matthews' "Hardball" and Keith Olbermann's "Countdown" are virtually overlong Democrat campaign commercials larded with tripe and lacking in truth), the leftist mainstream media, having tried to push voters away from President Bush and Republicans on a daily basis since President Bush became a presidential candidate, is preparing for an election in which the Republicans keep control of both the Senate and the House.

The above contains a grand total of one (1) period, five (5) pairs of parenthetical asides, two (2) news anchors, two (2) former presidents, one (1) terrorist mastermind, two (2) political parties, and one (1) terrorist organization (two if you count the GOP). The true genius of this sentence however, is not so much in its laughably atrocious composition as it is the strategic positioning of cut-price, semi-digested bits of failed Republican rhetoric which gives the entire affair a rather tragic aura. It’s almost as if a Roman priest, upon reading poor omens in the entrails of his latest sacrificial calf, decided to make the best of a bad situation by redecorating his living room with 30 yards of dripping cow viscera. Needless to say, the overall effect manages to be both awe-inspiring and heartbreakingly pathetic at the same time.

History shows that in the midterm election after a President is re-elected, the opposition party makes gains in Congress. History showed the same thing as to the midterm election after a President is elected, but in 2002 President Bush and the Congressional Republicans made history as Republicans increased their Congressional majorities.

I asked one of my coworkers who happens to be a specialist in the field of logic and workflow modeling to diagram this particular bit a rhetorical gynmanstics over her lunch break, but after 30 seconds she threw her pencil at me and said I could come back when they invented paper that could be written on in three dimensions. I’m not sure what that means, but I think it’s her way of calling Gaynor a thickie.

Every House race is a contest between Speaker Dennis Hastert and Speaker wannabe Nancy "San Fran Nan" Pelosi. Does America look to San Francisco to set the tone for the nation? I doubt it.

I was going to write something clever for this bit of analysis, but come to think of it, I feel pictures are more evocative. So, here you are.

Every House race also is a contest between Republican House Committee chairman and the Democrats who aspire to replace them. Would America benefit from THAT kind of change? NO!

Every House race also is a contest to determine whether the Bush administration should be distracted by investigations galore and impeachment proceedings instead of focused on winning the War on Terror? The Far Left Dems are salivating at the thought of paralyzing the Bush administration and impeaching President Bush, as retaliation for the impeachment of former President Clinton[…]

Is THAT in America's best interests?

No. It's in Al Qaeda's best interests.

I think what he's saying is that all this stuff about the President breaking the law is irrelevant because its something only Al-Qaeda would worry about.

In other words: if the Democrats take control of congress, Bush may actually have to face the prospect of being held accountable for his problems with domestic spying, warrantless surveillance, extrajudicial appointments, torture, rendition, gulags, wars of aggression, Hurricane Katrina, the failing economy, the War in Iraq, the disintegration of the US military as an effective fighting force, suppression of the press, the destruction of the environment, the high price of gas, the disenfranchisement of voters, and the shredding of the Constitution in general. If we stay the course, the President can keep doing these things unimpeded and with virtually no restraint. Riddle me this: which outcome does Al Qaeda favor? Hmmm?

Every Senate race is a contest between Democrat Senate leader Harry "I killed The Patriot Act" Reid of Nevada and the conservative Republican Senator who will replace the retiring Republican Senate Majority Leader, Bill First of Tennessee.

Imagine a Senate led by Senator Reid! Then vote Republican

Because if Bill Frist is Senate Majority Leader, he will be able to use his Terri Schiavo-inspired ESP to foretell where and when the next major terrorist attack will take place. Although odds are, he will still be wrong and break some law in the process. Anyway, if Bill Frist becomes Senate Majority Leader, he will probably criminalize heterosexuality and make your daughter have sex with another girl on your church altar, and who wants that, huh?

Pennsylvanians, Senator Rick Santorum could well by the Senate Majority Leader if the Democrat political trickery of nominating State Treasurer Bob Casey Jr., mostly pro-life, to block Senator Santorum's re-election by winning back Santorum Democrats.

If I proofread my articles, my basic reading and writing skills would probably me that this article is missing a. And is missing a. So my and writing skills would inform me.

The question in Pennsylvania is whether this cunning strategy will work. The reality is that Mr. Casey would be an ineffectual rookie Senator who would vote with the Democrats to block pro-God, pro-life judges anathema to the Democrats' Far Left judicial activist/secular extremist base. Stay tuned.

The upside of course would be that Pennsylvanians would be represented by someone from their home state that actually lives there. Tool.

Oh well, this article, much like the opening sentence (or is it paragraph?) goes on and on and on like this for quite some time, and while at times entertaining, is a lot like riding down the world’s longest coal chute head-first with only your goatee for protection. Sure, while it might SOUND like a good idea to some, the novelty wears off long before the ride is over and ultimately, you end up feeling like you’ve lost something you can’t replace. Like your face. Join us again next time, won’t you?
Marc with a C, 4:20 PM | link | 0 comments |

Monday, September 18, 2006

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

Now kids, I know that you have all missed me greatly and that yes, it has been a while since my last post. There is, however a plausible explanation which fully explains my absence. However, never fear! Even as we speak events hidden from the eyes of ordinary men are unfolding that will soon bring ultimate victory within our grasp. Or at least, make things a whole helluva lot funnier around here. Details to follow eventually. In the meantime, I bring you a little something to whet your appetite.

Her name is Janet L. Folger. She likes reading poetry, long walks on the beach, and running over Family Planning Services providers in her Hummer. I made up one of those three items. Your mission today is to guess which (I’ll give you a hint though: she really hates sand). In any case, on with the show!

Welcome to the criminalization of Christianity
By Janet L. Folger
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As I sat in the hearing room, I felt a cold chill – like the chilling effect this court-martial will have on our free speech.

As I sat at my desk reading that opening sentence, I felt a scream of pain echoing across the dimensional plains as yet another really shitty analogy was birthed, kicking and screaming, into this cosmos. Surely, Ragnarok draws nigh.

For this analogy to be accurate, however, I would need to be sitting in a freezer.

As long as you’re going to be sitting in a freezer, I suggest you try one with a temperature setting or about zero degrees Kelvin. At that temperature (also known as “absolute zero”), the kinetic energy of particles within a system drops to nothing and thus everything- including your mouth, fingers, and vocal cords- becomes completely immobile on the molecular level. Sure, we might run the risk down the road of having some cosmic supervillian find you, thaw you out, and bring you back to life to act as his evil galactic co-ruler and consort, but at least we could blast your freezer-cum-sarcophagus out into space and thus assure ourselves of at least a few million years of peace and quiet.

At issue in the court-martial of Lt. Gordon James Klingenschmitt, chaplain for the United States Navy, is a name and the freedom to speak it. That name is Jesus. And, according to this week's ruling, the freedom to speak it depends on the context.

I see your first amendment freedom of speech clause and raise you the establishment and free exercise clause. That, I believe, is trump.

Before I could go through the metal detectors to get to the courtroom, a Navy official had already taken Jesus' name in vain. No trial for that. No penalty. No problem.

Damn straight! I know what I woulda done under similar circumstances. I’d have whipped out my sjambok and gone all Mutaween on his disrespectful ass. Damn this separation of church and state thing!

This case is really about Navy Secretary Donald C. Winter, who ordered that every chaplain in the Navy worship his god – the "government god" of "non-sectarian" goodness who has no name and certainly no son by whom someone might be offended.

Whoa. I had no idea that Donald Winter was such a deist. At this rate, it can’t be much longer before we have temples dedicated to the Cult of Reason and to the Chief Architect of the Universe. While I was fully aware that the Bush administration loved the Committee of Public Safety method of government so popular during the French Revolution and the Reign of Terror, I had no idea that their religious ideology was so influenced as well.

But Chaplain Klingenschmitt told Navy Secretary Nebuchadnezzar, uh, I mean Winter, that he couldn't bow to his government god and had to proclaim the God of the Bible – who has a Son with an illegal name.

Spreaking of illegal names, I do wonder what happened to that Jesus guy that used to work down at the Salvadoran Restaurant on South Glebe Road. That guy always made the best pupusas.

On a side note, so long as we are dealing with biblical analogies here, I guess that the only really appropriate response at this point is for Navy Secretary Nebuchadnezzar to have Chaplain Shadrach thrown into a roaring furnace and waiting to see if an angel will come to deliver him instead of letting him burn to death. I mean, it’s only fair. Besides, who wants to deal with all of that pagan “trial by jury” crap when you can have a good old-fashioned Judeo-Christian trial by ordeal instead?

Mentioning Jesus in the chapel (you know, that building with the cross on top), they said, is just "too exclusive." Just who was it that hung on that cross depicted on the official Navy chaplain uniform, again?

You mean this one?

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And now, five years after we were attacked, our troops are fighting overseas for the freedom of those who pray in the name of Allah at the same time a U.S. chaplain has been court-martialed for praying in the name of Jesus on American soil. Does anyone besides me see something wrong with this?

Um, you mean besides the fact that we are supposedly “fighting overseas for the freedom of those who pray in the name of Allah?” I can’t help but detect a bitter note of jealousy in Ms. Folger’s voice. After all, we went to war and gave them the freedom to establish their very own Islamic republic in Iraq, and all we got out of it was this (ever-so-slightly) secular democracy. Damn.

On Monday, Sept. 11, 2006, we gathered to sing "God Bless America," but how likely do you think God will continue to bless us if we are forbidden from using His Son's name?

Heh, indizzle. After all, if you follow that line of reasoning (bravely pioneered by our dear friend Jerry Falwell), the fact that we continue to sing “God Bless America” is the only reason He hasn’t decided to smite us with yet another terrorist attack for refusing to return to our gay-stoning, witch-burning ways. And don’t you even think about breaking into that communistic Woody Guthrie “This Land is Your Land” crap, no on his watch. Seriously. According to your logic, the Big Man has just killed 3000 of your fellow citizens and the best thing you can do is drop down on your knees and thank him for being so lenient and kind? Talk about battered wife syndrome.

And where is our beloved commander in chief? The man I worked to elect, who personally told me that the "most important thing" I could do for him was to pray? Cannot our military have that same "most important" right?

I saw this thing on Newsmax which said that the ACLU was implanting specially programmed chips into all military personnel’s heads so that if they detect a prayer, they are set to explode and take out the offending serviceman or servicewoman before they can give props to the Almighty. True story.

His number, by the way, is 202-456-1414

Call between 1 and 3pm, Monday through Thursday. That’s usually the best time to catch him between his bike rides and hours spent blacked out, cuddled up next to a bottle of Wild Turkey. I suppose you can always leave a message on his voicemail, but try not to be too offended by his voice memo. He thinks fart jokes are funny.

As I was leaving the airport in Norfolk, I saw an advertisement that read: "America will always be the home of the free because it is the land of the brave." When I read it, I cried … because America is no longer the land of the free.

Hey, don’t blame me. I voted for the other guy.

Thankfully, there are still are brave Americans like Chaplain Klingenschmitt. If you are among the brave left in the land of the free, I urge you with everything in me to use your freedom while you still can.

Because she’s one of the spineless wonders that has ruined it for us and still cries every time she sees a freaking life insurance commercial. For God’s sake woman, drink some water, smell your salts, slap a few more yellow ribbons on your Hummer, and get a hold of yourself!

Of course, you have "the right to remain silent," but if you use that right much longer, those are the words you'll hear before you see the inside of a prison cell. Because if they criminalize Chaplain Klingenschmitt today, tomorrow it's you.

At the time I thought I would finish off this piece with a nice, ripping explosion of snarky flavor as a fitting reward for those of you who managed to slog it through to the end. However, after reading over these last two sentences, I decided I couldn’t quite figure out what the hell she is trying to say. Seriously. As such, I decided that the best thing to do would be to sub in a closing statement that, while just as incomprehensible as this one, requires a whole lot less thought and, to be honest, gravitas. Mr. Roboto, take it away!

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I’m top player hater from Korea! You bitches better recognize! He looks like a broke-ass Sexual Chocolate.

Marc with a C, 5:50 PM | link | 0 comments |