Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Yo, Gay-dog! Osama gots yo' back, foo'!

You know, I’ve read some pretty freaking long run-on sentences in my time, but I believe that this one here takes the cake. Put your thinking caps on kids as we take a wild, wonderful, torturous journey through Right Wing Pundit Michael Gaynor’s mind in this- his first non-Duke rape related story in what feels like a decade. Take it away, Mike!

Election reflections: Why vote Republican

With (1) November 7, 2006 less than six weeks away, (2) the stock market near the all-time high (having recovered from the Clinton recession and the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack), (3) employment up and unemployment down, (4) gas prices way down (hurricanes have not plagued America this year and President Bush rejected Democrat advice as to how to manage the national strategic reserve), (5) terrorists not having succeeding in making a follow-up attack on the American homeland (President Bush wisely having treated the terrorists as war enemies instead of common criminals, gone on the offensive, deprived Al Qaeda of its Afghanistan sanctuary and, as even Osama bin Laden concedes, made Iraq the central front in the War on Terror), and (6) President Bush and his fellow Republicans having joined the political battle to counteract the poisonous effect of Democrat lies constantly repeated by Democrat politicians concerned more with taking political power than taking out the terrorist enemy , buttressed by the reporting of the Leftist mainstream media led by Al Qaeda's favorite America newspaper (The New York Times) and television's NBC, CBS, CNN and ABC (shows like Chris Matthews' "Hardball" and Keith Olbermann's "Countdown" are virtually overlong Democrat campaign commercials larded with tripe and lacking in truth), the leftist mainstream media, having tried to push voters away from President Bush and Republicans on a daily basis since President Bush became a presidential candidate, is preparing for an election in which the Republicans keep control of both the Senate and the House.

The above contains a grand total of one (1) period, five (5) pairs of parenthetical asides, two (2) news anchors, two (2) former presidents, one (1) terrorist mastermind, two (2) political parties, and one (1) terrorist organization (two if you count the GOP). The true genius of this sentence however, is not so much in its laughably atrocious composition as it is the strategic positioning of cut-price, semi-digested bits of failed Republican rhetoric which gives the entire affair a rather tragic aura. It’s almost as if a Roman priest, upon reading poor omens in the entrails of his latest sacrificial calf, decided to make the best of a bad situation by redecorating his living room with 30 yards of dripping cow viscera. Needless to say, the overall effect manages to be both awe-inspiring and heartbreakingly pathetic at the same time.

History shows that in the midterm election after a President is re-elected, the opposition party makes gains in Congress. History showed the same thing as to the midterm election after a President is elected, but in 2002 President Bush and the Congressional Republicans made history as Republicans increased their Congressional majorities.

I asked one of my coworkers who happens to be a specialist in the field of logic and workflow modeling to diagram this particular bit a rhetorical gynmanstics over her lunch break, but after 30 seconds she threw her pencil at me and said I could come back when they invented paper that could be written on in three dimensions. I’m not sure what that means, but I think it’s her way of calling Gaynor a thickie.

Every House race is a contest between Speaker Dennis Hastert and Speaker wannabe Nancy "San Fran Nan" Pelosi. Does America look to San Francisco to set the tone for the nation? I doubt it.

I was going to write something clever for this bit of analysis, but come to think of it, I feel pictures are more evocative. So, here you are.

Every House race also is a contest between Republican House Committee chairman and the Democrats who aspire to replace them. Would America benefit from THAT kind of change? NO!

Every House race also is a contest to determine whether the Bush administration should be distracted by investigations galore and impeachment proceedings instead of focused on winning the War on Terror? The Far Left Dems are salivating at the thought of paralyzing the Bush administration and impeaching President Bush, as retaliation for the impeachment of former President Clinton[…]

Is THAT in America's best interests?

No. It's in Al Qaeda's best interests.

I think what he's saying is that all this stuff about the President breaking the law is irrelevant because its something only Al-Qaeda would worry about.

In other words: if the Democrats take control of congress, Bush may actually have to face the prospect of being held accountable for his problems with domestic spying, warrantless surveillance, extrajudicial appointments, torture, rendition, gulags, wars of aggression, Hurricane Katrina, the failing economy, the War in Iraq, the disintegration of the US military as an effective fighting force, suppression of the press, the destruction of the environment, the high price of gas, the disenfranchisement of voters, and the shredding of the Constitution in general. If we stay the course, the President can keep doing these things unimpeded and with virtually no restraint. Riddle me this: which outcome does Al Qaeda favor? Hmmm?

Every Senate race is a contest between Democrat Senate leader Harry "I killed The Patriot Act" Reid of Nevada and the conservative Republican Senator who will replace the retiring Republican Senate Majority Leader, Bill First of Tennessee.

Imagine a Senate led by Senator Reid! Then vote Republican

Because if Bill Frist is Senate Majority Leader, he will be able to use his Terri Schiavo-inspired ESP to foretell where and when the next major terrorist attack will take place. Although odds are, he will still be wrong and break some law in the process. Anyway, if Bill Frist becomes Senate Majority Leader, he will probably criminalize heterosexuality and make your daughter have sex with another girl on your church altar, and who wants that, huh?

Pennsylvanians, Senator Rick Santorum could well by the Senate Majority Leader if the Democrat political trickery of nominating State Treasurer Bob Casey Jr., mostly pro-life, to block Senator Santorum's re-election by winning back Santorum Democrats.

If I proofread my articles, my basic reading and writing skills would probably me that this article is missing a. And is missing a. So my and writing skills would inform me.

The question in Pennsylvania is whether this cunning strategy will work. The reality is that Mr. Casey would be an ineffectual rookie Senator who would vote with the Democrats to block pro-God, pro-life judges anathema to the Democrats' Far Left judicial activist/secular extremist base. Stay tuned.

The upside of course would be that Pennsylvanians would be represented by someone from their home state that actually lives there. Tool.

Oh well, this article, much like the opening sentence (or is it paragraph?) goes on and on and on like this for quite some time, and while at times entertaining, is a lot like riding down the world’s longest coal chute head-first with only your goatee for protection. Sure, while it might SOUND like a good idea to some, the novelty wears off long before the ride is over and ultimately, you end up feeling like you’ve lost something you can’t replace. Like your face. Join us again next time, won’t you?
Marc with a C, 4:20 PM


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