Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

New Shorter

He's an oversexed Jewish jungle king who dotes on his loving old ma. She's a sarcastic cat-loving Hell's Angel in the witness protection scheme. Together, they fight crime!

The Way Starbucks Sees It


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J. Matt Barber

Java giant Starbucks finds itself entangled in yet another brewing controversy over its "The Way I See It" campaign.

One sentence in, and we're already encountering coffee-related puns and other presupposed bons mots. Matt, no offense, but there's a major difference between being able to play a game of random association on your particular topic of choice, and inserting a funny, cutting, and pithy observation at a particular juncture in the conversation. The former you seem to have well under control. The latter is, like the candy bar you have taped to your office ceiling, somewhat over your head.


Starbucks has a history of placing liberal, pro-homosexual and anti-God statements submitted by customers, celebrities and other public figures on the side of its coffee cups for customers to contemplate while they wash down a muffin with a Frappe-Mocha-whatever.

The fiends! Don't they know better than to risk the wrath of J. Matt Barber and the combined forces of the Concerned Women for America?

I also enjoy Matt's dismissive reference to Starbucks' product, referring to them as
"Frappe-Mocha-Whatevers." Because if that's the level of precision he normally employs when trying to place an order at a restaurant, it's no wonder that a high percentage of his food seems to taste like snot and dandruff flakes.


Although the company has every right to do what it wants with its cups[...]

Except perhaps enable terrorists with them. After all, while the free market is widely-acknowledged as being the Ultimate Goodness(tm) when it comes to all matters physikal, rhetorical, and philosophikal, as far as domestic security is concerned, the free market must yield right of way (unless the matter under discussion is fuel self-sufficiency or beefed up port security).

one questions whether it makes good business sense to intentionally alienate a large percentage of the coffee drinking public with these inflammatory political musings.

In short: don't do that, Starbucks! You're gonna piss of the rubes! Why can't you stick to something less controversial? Like American flags, or yellow ribbons, or the statue of liberty? Or one of those Jesus fish in the midst of eating a Darwin fish? Can't you tell that your iconoclastic tendencies and reckless pursuit of free thought puts your business plan in harm's way?

The Quaker adds: Dude, it ain't our fault liberals make the best coffee (Starbucks), ice cream (Ben and Jerry's), ketchup (Heinz) and the best search engines (teh Google). The Free Market has spoken!

Many customers with traditional values find it quite offensive.

As well as those of us who value our traditions. Four bucks for a freaking coffee?? If fifty-cent gas-station coffee is good enough for grandpa, by gum, it's good enough for us!

Although the company has used some religion oriented statements in the past — such as one by Purpose Driven Life author Rick Warren — the preponderance of politically and spiritually themed quotes that make the "cup cut" seem to represent a hard-left ideology.

Translation: the failure of Starbucks to quote directly from the Bible, Ronald Reagan, or tell fags and liberals they are going to burn in hell is a clear sign of the unyielding, relentless hatred to which me and my conservative bretheren are subjected every day.

I know... it's difficult to believe that a company headquartered in Seattle, Washington, would labor under such a leftist bent, but sadly, such is the case.

They of course have never worked the land and developed the common-sense, salt-of-the-earth thinking that can't be acquired through all that fancy-smancy book-learnin', like J. Matt Barber and Ronald Reagan did.

Again, that's the company's prerogative. But come on guys. How about some open mindedness — a little balance?

Translation: Your failure to condemn what me and my 28%-er cohort finds offensive is proof of your bigotry and close-mindedness. I mean, have you ever really stopped and considered the fact that homofags might go to hell? How dare you, sir? How DARE you?

Concerned Women for America (CWA) pulled the lid off Starbucks leftist corporate ideology a couple of years ago and stirred up controversy by pointing out that Starbucks had sponsored multiple "gay pride" events and had given monetary support to ultra-liberal abortion provider Planned Parenthood.

If by "pulled the lid off Starbucks" you mean they pointed out something everyone else already knew [viz. Starbucks is generally a progressively-oriented company], and "a couple years ago" you mean "eighteen months" [viz. August of 2005], you'd get a statement generally approaching the truth.

For a while, the company seemed to back off a bit with the liberal activism, but they now appear to be warming things up again.

Sometimes, I just feel like spitting on my hands, donning my voyageur cap, and splitting something open with a tomahawk. Usually I picture a tree stump or a watermelon. Today, however, I have an altogether different picture in my mind.

So, in the interest of equal time, I've submitted the following "The Way I See It" quote from a Christian conservative perspective for Starbucks to consider.

Which I am sure they will give it the careful and thoughtful consideration it is due, before flushing it down the toilet with all the other turds.
Marc with a C, 11:30 AM

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