Bomb Throwing Pacifist
Friday, May 18, 2007
I will make you hurt...
In short, I really did mean to bring you a Renew America column this time around. However, by clicking on one of the links provided on their front page, I was immediately whisked away to Joe Farah's equally assinine (though oftentimes less humorous) clone of Alan Keyes' wastepaper basket.
In any case, since my piece on cheap Mexican abortions was such a hit last time, I figured we'd tap this pony again, because it's Friday, and I'm unoriginal. Today's author and winner of the Terri Schiavo look-alike contest (post-coma) is Jill Stanek. According to her official blurb, she was invited by President Bush to the signing of the Born Alive Infants Protection Act in 2002, ostensibly to witness the signing. I also suspect that her secondary role was to serve as a useful on-hand prop to prove that just because babies can be born without brains does not mean they are incapable of writing conservative columns later in life.
Any way, let's get this one rolling.
Posted: May 2, 2007
1:00 a.m. Eastern
Promoters call it the Freedom of Choice Act, which is actually true.
Oh gawd, here we go. Jill, you cannot, I repeat, CANNOT begin with a snarky, dismissive quote about something you don't like without first beginning with a little expository paragraph and explaining what the hell "it" is and why it deserves your scorn. I understand that you may be struggling to come up with a good hook, and while the elements are kinda sorta there, you have only so far established three things: 1) that there is something called the "Freedom of Choice Act," 2) like films, boxers, and concerts orchestras, it has promoters, and 3) that you're a really shitty writer. Moving on.
If passed, it would retroactively and forever free the abortion industry to infinity and beyond[...]
Apparently, this Freedom of Choice Act is worse than we thought. Someone better call Buzz Lightyear and Star Command.
"We don't do abortions on my planet. We prefer exposing them to the elements."
Pro-aborts[...]
Jill, pro-aborts isn't catchy, alliterated, convincing, or particularly sneering. I might just as easily call you Ant-aborts, which at the very least has the advantage of a nice ring to it, as well as the fact that it could lead to all sorts of jokes and double-entendres at your expense. After all, I know it's been a while since people made fun of you in the playground, knocked over your cafeteria tray, and made a big deal about scoring the last box of chocolate milk right from under neath your nose, but do you really need a new nickname that badly? Because I can very easily see Jill "Antaborts" Stanek working its way into the naitonal lexicon.
[...] reintroduced FOCA[...]
At the FOCA, FOCA cabana, they mix the best abortion pills with your pina colada...
[...] immediately following the Supreme Court's April 18 decision upholding the Partial Birth Abortion Ban with expressions of financial panic not seen since the stock market crashed in 1929.
"They banned partial-borth abortion? SHIT! Now where is KFC supposed to get its chicken tenders? I'm ruined!"
Pro-lifers have aborted FOCA several times since the 1980s, but terrified pro-abortion politicians and abortion-industry thugs fearing for their deathlihood seized on the Supreme partial-birth abortion decision to attempt a do-over.
Gah! Just...just...gah! What the fuck is she even trying to SAY?? It's like someone performed a dilation and extraction on her brain!
Public relations aficionados that they are, Planned Parenthood and other industry leeches reassured us in press statements they intended not just to rescue partial-birth abortion for America but also every other equally "seismic" and "grim" Supreme Court anti-abortion decision that might be made ever after.
Auditory hallucinations are a hallmark of schizophrenia: 50 to 75 percent of the 2.8 million Americans who suffer from the illness hear voices that are not there. ~ NAMI-SSC
Doug Johnson of National Right to Life called FOCA the Freedom for Partial-Birth Abortionists Act, which is catchy.
If by catchy you mean "couldn't be catched with a catchy looking catch-mitt by Catch "Catcher" McCatchy, winner of last year's All-American 'Catch Yourself a Catchy Catch' competition on Nation Catch the Caught Day," then yes. It certainly is.
FOCA would kill every abortion law in the land the Supreme Court has rendered constitutional under Roe and pre-emptively strike any pro-life law ever to follow.
Interestingly enough, I though it was the position of the antaborts that the Supreme Court's job is to rule on the constitutionality of laws, not legistlate from the bench. But I guess that's part of a pre-9/11 worldview.
FOCA would wipe out every parental notification and consent law, every informed consent law, every law restricting government funding of abortion, every law prohibiting abortions in public hospitals, every law mandating waiting periods, every medical professional conscience clause law, every abortion clinic regulation, every law stating abortion procedures must only be committed by physicians, and more. Pro-life politicians would even be prohibited from giving pro-life speeches.
In order to fully appreciate the sinister tone of this paragraph, I will provide you with the appropriate soundtrack. Sit tight.
Under FOCA, mothers on their way to abortions would no longer have to obey traffic signals. Family and friends would be forbidden to suggest the other a-word – adoption – out loud. Phone companies could be sued for lightning storms that rendered phones useless when a mother tried to make an abortion appointment.
OK, I added those last three. But you get the point.
The point in question of course being that Jill makes shit up all the time. Moving on...
Under FOCA, no abortion procedure could be touched with a 10-foot legal crochet hook.
Or strategically bent and twisted coathanger. See where we're going here?
Obviously, FOCA would reverse the partial-birth decision and "enshrine," as NOW president Kim Gandy phrased it, every other abortion procedure under the moonless sky.
Okay, now this has gone on so long, I've started to lose my point of reference. I hope this ends soon.
This would have to include Everything Delivered But The Big Toe Abortions, which Sen. Barbara Boxer infamously refused to say should be illegal during an enlightening exchange with then-Sen. Rick Santorum on the Senate floor in 1999.
"Everything Delivered But The Big Toe Abortions"? Yeah...that's got Santorum's fingerprints all over it. That's almost as good as the "Almost Entirely Delivered Except For His Last Treeclimbing Claw Because You've Just Given Birth To A Wookie Abortions" legistlation he introduced his first day in office.
FOCA states that prior to legalized abortion "an estimated 1.2 million women each year were forced to resort to illegal abortions, despite the risk of unsanitary conditions, incompetent treatment, infection, hemorrhage, disfiguration and death." Hmm. Kermit D. Frog moment. I wouldn't want to accuse the abortion industry of inflating numbers for their own gain, but I'm having trouble comprehending how a population of 200 million in 1970 could render 1.2 million illegal abortions when a population of 300 million in 2006 rendered 1.3 million legal abortions. It's kinda like when legislators make it easier to get concealed carry permits in their districts, and then the crime rate doesn't go down. In essence, the law has no effect on the incidence of a social indicator, it merely changes the terms under which that social indicator operates. Honestly, I can't help but wonder if Jill tries to open up her tube of toothpaste by screwing it the opposite way when she's in the southern Hemisphere. As for "unsanitary conditions, incompetent treatment, infection, hemorrhage, disfiguration and death" pre-Roe, surely pro-aborts are not implying anything has changed. I'm forced to wonder if they've been trying to get high off their own suction machines. My suction machine is yo' mamma! (Yeah, I know that's crude and pointless, but I'm about at the end of my rope here). In the classic rock band satire movie "This is Spinal Tap," Nigel explained to Marty how his band's amplifiers went one notch above the standard "10." "If we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?" asked Nigel. "Put it up to 11," answered Marty. "Eleven. Exactly," responded Nigel. "One louder." In America, abortion has already pushed millions over the cliff. FOCA would force abortion on us "one louder." Um. I think that's all there is to be said. Vote antabort in '08 or the terrorists win Spinal Tap will abort your baby with its guitar amp on stage!
