Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Monday, April 09, 2007


It's been a long weekend and I have a headache. So instead of my normal intro, we're doing this gangsta style: balls to the wall, chrome off the slab, and without trick-ass introductory props, yo. Her name is Marsha West, and her column is on the dangers of Gnosticism, a threat so old and insiduous that most Christians have actually forgotten it once existed, even as it moons them from the passing Volvo with the Kerry/Edwards '04 sticker on the bumper.

Marsha, take it away!

Gnosticism, contemplative prayer and other "Christian Traditions"
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Marsha West
March 30th, 2007

Christians are being exhorted to put their minds on hold through meditation and take a step into the supernatural realm. Is it biblical to connect with the supernatural realm?

If a thought passes through your head and fails to connect with either brain cell, did you actually think?

In an interview with Emergent leader Rob Bell[...]: "Central to the Christian tradition, for thousands of years, have been disciplines of meditation, reflection, silence, and breathing. It was understood that to be a healthy person, to be fully connected with God[...] So ordinary people spent significant parts of their day in silence, meditating?

What are we, talking into a frying pan or something? For the love of God woman, make your fucking transition already! It's bad enough that I have to dissect this fossilized owl pellet of a column for the sake of my readers, I sure as hell don't feel like sitting here absorbing vaccuous drivel which makes a Tickle Me Elmo doll sound like freaking Mark Anthony's funeral oration. Move on.

Even if it were true,

Wait, here it comes...

nowhere in the Bible are God's people encouraged to stop using their minds and to connect with the supernatural world.

The Bible doesn't say anything about sticking those metallic fish all over the trunk of your car either, but somehow that doesn't seem to bother the rest of the lobotomy survivors you call your extended family, Marsha. It does however, command women to be silent in churches, a suggestion which I feel has great merit in your case and should be applied as frequently as possible, both in church and online.

Believers are to worship God with their heart, strength, mind and soul. In an altered state of consciousness the mind is not engaged, it's blank!

I wonder if Marsha enters an "altered state of consciousness" when she fires up the ol' word processor. It would certainly explain a hell of a lot.

For over two thousand years (not "thousands of years")[...]

Can you believe this woman actually writes books for use with homeschoolers? And to think in another 20 years, these will be the type of people running the government under Jeb Bush. It's kind of like knowing that our sun is going to run out of energy one day. You know that it's going to happen, but you feel so powerless at the same time.

For over two thousand years (not "thousands of years") Christians have followed a whole host of unbiblical practices that God regards evil. But that hasn't stopped untold numbers from participating. Example: Even though God forbids fortune telling (divination) countless people, including Christians, have visited mediums to "look into the future."

You know what else God forbids? Shrimp. But don't let that stop you the next time your family loads up the special bus for an excursion to the local Red Lobster now.

For more than five thousand years meditation has been practiced by Eastern religions and has become mainstream in Western culture. It is true, as Bell says, that Christian's have been practicing meditation for centuries.

It is also true that the kid's who end up reading Marsha's book's are going to have notably atrocious grammar skill's. Good thing mom doesn't take off point's for spelling.

Christian meditation came about when monks began reading the Bible slowly. As they read, they would ponder the deeper meaning of each verse. This is called "divine reading" or lectio divina. As a result of their Scripture meditation the monks found themselves spontaneously praying. Their prayer would move them to a wordless focus on God. They called this "wordless love for God" contemplation. More on contemplative prayer in a moment.

I feel the same way when I'm trying to read the warning sticker on the empty bottles of Jaegermesiter at 4am on a Saturday morning. That's not prayer. It's brain damage.

Lacking a biblical worldview and an understanding of Scripture is the main reason Christians are dipping into the forbidden waters of Eastern meditation to "know the unknowable."

Dipping into forbidden waters? Eastern meditation? Knowing the unknowable? Sounds like someone's copy of the Kama Sutra is overdue at the county library.

Contemporary Christianity is following "every wind of doctrine." Believers are listening to what their "itching ears want to hear." Regrettably, their itching ears are tuned to neo-gnostic heresy. One of the obstacles the Apostles faced were false teachers, the Gnostics being the most prevalent of the bunch. Gnosticism was condemned as a heresy in the first century church. Here's the crux of Gnosticism:

And here I was, thinking the primary threat to the church was abortion, the removal of the Ten Commandments from public buildings and the elimination of school prayer. Never occurred to me that Simon Magus was that high on the list as well.

"Christian Gnosticism is the belief that one must have a "gnosis" (from Greek "Gnosko," to know) or inner knowledge which is mystical knowledge obtained only after one has been properly initiated. Only a few can possess this mystical knowledge, limiting the number of those "in the know". ... Gnosticism today seems to provide a lot of the form and color for the New Age portrait of Jesus where Jesus is seen as the illumined Illuminator: one who serves as a cosmic catalyst for others' awakening. As such it is as false and heretical as the Gnosticism of the first century and needs to be roundly condemned for the heresy that it is."

Normally I wouldn't bother with this, but just so you can see how fuct up Marsha's line of reasoning really is, there you have it. The first person who can tell me what any of the above means in 10 words or less gets a Snickers Bar.

Most of us think it's cool to have inside information. Makes one feel important. Even special.

At least until the Securities and Exchange Commission comes sniffing about.

You say, "My church isn't into any of that New Age stuff." No, but you'll read about the New Age stuff in books purchased in your local or online Christian bookstore. You'll also see an abundance of false teaching on Christian blogs all over the Internet.

Okay, this column has gone from just plain silly and incomprehensible to creepily authoritarian. Time to make sure my passport is in order.

Or you'll hear name it and claim it prosperity preachers on TV acting as if the Almighty is actually whispering into their ear as they impart their false teaching to millions of viewers.

Aw c'mon! God totally wanted that hit on Hugo Chavez!

You can't even escape Gnostic heresy in modern Christian music. You could be singing it in church! Listen to the lyrics of so-called worship songs and be amazed! And be sickened.

Or you could just check out this photo of the world's largest colon (currently on display at the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia). The effect will be the same.

Last, but not least, the Oprah Winfrey Show if rife with Gnosticism. Those who tune into Oprah's program (a number of gullible Christians do) will hear her guest's share their esoteric mystical experiences.

All right, this just isn't funny anymore. Sad, pathetic, and creepy but not funny. Marsha, the RED squiggles are spelling errors, the GREEN squiggles are grammatical errors! You can't just ignore them because it makes you feel good, hon.

Biblical prayer advocates engaging your mind, even wrestling in your mind, as did Epaphras, not emptying your mind!

I don't envy the headaches she must have at the end of the day.

Will practicing Eastern mysticism really help to open you up to a greater spiritual experience with God, or just the opposite? Since God opposes mysticism in any form, perhaps contemplatives are really experiencing visits from demonic spirits. Meditate on that!

And there you have it, you crack smoking liberal hippy Christians! Join us next week for another exciting column in which Marsha explains how global warming is very real, but that secular scientists and atheist abortion doctors are trying to confuse us by blaming it on cars and CO2 emissions, instead of Satan's rancid flatulence. Details to follow!
Marc with a C, 2:41 PM


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