Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

And in other news...

The time is now
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Brad Turner
February 25, 2007

It has been quite a while since I have written a column, but I have enjoyed the free for all that is American politics. You see, the game is never over and the end of one election is the beginning of another.

Or as mack-daddy pimp and continual perveyor of street-seasoned, authentically American wisdom Pope Sweet Jesus might say "That's a violation, sucka! A pimp may be on sabbatical, but he ain't never out of the game, y'understandwhatimsayin?"

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The wrapper says 'Ribbed for her pleasure' but turn it inside out and it's ribbed for YOUR pleasure.

True dat, dawg. True dat.

I have noticed the number of candidates that have thrown their hats into the ring to lead this country in 2008. I am still waiting on one to wow me, but that hasn't happened yet.

Five bucks says we encounter a Ronald Reagan reference in the next 2 1/2 inches of column. C'mon, I've never played Dungeons and Dragons, but I know a random encounter when I see one.

For some reason we do not have a clear cut, Ronald Reagan conservative to push to the front.

That particular reason being, of course, the fact that he's a dead, buried, and rotting corpse whose brain has deteriorated to the point where if by some chance a wandering necromancer stumbled across his grave, dug him up, and turned him into a zombie, the reanimated Reagan would probably speak in more coherent sentences and with a stronger grasp on reality than he did when he was actually alive.

We have allowed ourselves to be put on the defensive by the anti-America crowd and we won't swing back. We have been labeled as "mean-spirited," "radicals," "warmongers," and the like. We have lost our fight and we need to regain it before it is 2008.

Right. Because if there's one thing Republicans haven't done enough of, it's playing hardball (cuclear option, anyone? AMazing how important that filibuster power is now tha tyour party is in the minority).

Hannity: "[O]nly liberals" (like Orrin Hatch) "could think of" DREAM Act

Savage on Sawyer: a "lying whore" who "in essence, is agreeing that the Holocaust didn't occur"

O'Reilly: Abducted child "liked ... his circumstances," had "a lot more fun" than usual

More "Freak Show"-- John Harris discussed the Clintons' sleeping arrangements on Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck touted slanted poll on whether U.S. should stay in Iraq

Wash. Times' Pierce reprinted GOP talking points (literally)

CNN and Hotline on McCain: Is the "maverick" back?

And that's just since Friday.

I think that leader is right here in our midst. I think that leader is right here in our midst. We all know him, we all respect him, and we all would follow him. I want to encourage Dr. Alan Keyes to consider setting up an exploratory committee to run for President of the United States.

Let's just dwell on the geologically significant stupidity of that for a moment, and try again.

I think that leader is right here in our midst. I think that leader is right here in our midst. We all know him, we all respect him, and we all would follow him. I want to encourage Dr. Alan Keyes to consider setting up an exploratory committee to run for President of the United States.

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My thoughts exactly.

From your mouth to God's ears, Brad Turner.

Dr. Keyes is the cure for what currently ails America. We are at a crossroad of moral decay and human secular arrogance, and that movement has people in the highest levels of power.

Translation: the problem with America is that we're not conservative enough, and that's just pissing God off.

It WILL NOT get any better under individuals like Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy, John Kerry, and Henry Waxman setting the secular agenda for our children and grandchildren for the next 10 years.

Because if you will allow me to remind you of our glorious Constitution's first ammendment: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; unless of course the aforementioned religion is evangelical Christianity as practiced by white conservative males, in which case it is the exception and must be invoked continuously in order to better secure the creator's almighty divine approval and sanction.

Folks, we have judges ordering homosexuality to be taught to Christian children at the age of 9, we have the homosexual movement roaring full steam ahead, yet we sit and do nothing. It's time to fight.

Y'know, I should hope that most kids have a basic idea of what happens during sex by age 6 or 7, let alone 9. Hate to break it to you, but if you think your kid isn't going around the school playground calling other kids "fags" and homework "gay," you've got a serious case of whisful thinking going on.

I watched Dr. Keyes on television when he was speaking at a recent event and was re-energized by his commitment and his ideas.

Not to mention his bald-faced
hypocrisy and complete lack of scruples and principle. As a Republican candidate, he'd do great.

Our foundation is based on truth and strong moral fiber.

Which is why nominating Alan Keyes to be your candidate is like putting your life savings on having a bowling ball win the Kentucky derby: fucking retarded, but oddly appropriate at the same time.

We lean towards becoming Rome if we don't do something now. I cringe when I think of what we could have if a secular liberal is elected to lead our country for the next 4 years.

Because when you get right down to it, I can't think of a better example of how a secular liberal leader lead a great nation to destruction than that provided by that notrious atheist and textbook marxist Gaius Julius Caesar Octavian.

I understand his concerns[...]

Like the fact that he's never broken 38% in an election (all of 20 years ago) and won a whopping 27% of the vote against Obama.

the demand away from his family[...]

Especially his lesbian daughter.

the grueling hours spent on the campaign trail[...]

Something he should know a lot about, considering how fast he had to move from Maryland to Illinois in order to qualify to lose to Obama in '04.

but America is at a crisis point.

Namely, the Republican party is about to implode and go the same way as the Federalists and the Anti-Masons.

The leadership Dr. Keyes can provide will evoke the ghosts of our Founding Fathers.

So can any basic practicioner of Vodun when armed with the appropriate ingredients (chilli powder, some red string, a flint knife, and a live white rooster). That doesn't mean I want Papa Doc Duvalier running my country though.

The Constitution has been perverted by secular agendas and individuals. We all know church and state is a myth perpetuated by the ACLU and other anti-Christian organizations.

And who says Americans are the world's stupidest people?

Dr. Keyes is one of the few leaders who understand how the country was established to be governed, and we need it now more than ever. I encourage others to contact Dr. Keyes and tell him that America needs his leadership!

Considering the fact that Keyes' last opinion peice on his OWN FREAKING WEBSITE predates the '06 elections, I think it's easy enough to see how seriously Alan takes his committment to the people he pays to shill for him at the "grassroots" level.

You might think this is an attempt to curry favor with Dr. Keyes, because this is his site.

Perish the thought (and in all seriousness, I haven't read ahead). Can't imagine how anyone could get that idea (thanks
Armstrong "I love No Child Left Behind, now where my money at?" Williams).

Believe me, it is not.

"Brad, have you been eating cookies before dinner?"

*Mmmph-mmph* "Nuh-uh!"

It is a cry for real reform. It is a cry for limited government. It is a cry for a return to what made this country strong.

It's a cry for something, I'll give you that.

Dr. Alan Keyes can provide that necessary leadership to turn this country around and stand against radical Islam, rogue dictators, and secular movements designed to harm America.

The first of which to be addressed shall be bowl movements. I for one cannot think of a more insiduous menace to the people of these United States, or indeed, anywhere.

I encourage those who read this article to forward it on to those of a like mind. My e-mail address is available at the top of the column, and let's let Dr. Keyes know the time is now for his return to the forefront of the conservative movement.

"Return," of course, implying a position he never actually held originally. But hey, since when has that stopped Republicans from claiming to be something they're not. Just look at "Tailgunner" Joe McCarthy.

Dr. Keyes, think about it. Pray about it.....................and let's all picture America if we don't do our best to try and change her from the current path. That should be enough to stir our hearts and minds into action. Our children's future is at stake, so how could we do anything less than fight?

And I think that on that note, we'll just let this column fade quietly into the night as I quietly dream of Obama-Keyes '08: The Rematch. Oh please God, let it be so.

Marc with a C, 11:56 AM


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