Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Star light, star bright...

For today's exercise in Wingnut drama, we are happy to report the capture of columnist and author Gregg Jackson's Diary! While the miniature padlock on the front did prove surprisingly resistant to our picking attempts using safety pins and an old knitting needle, we can without a doubt say that the overcoming the initial resistance was well worth it. Especially considering this particular entry from Human Events Online in which our intrepid reporter takes a moment out of his busy day hawking Conservative Combacks to Liberal Lies to engage in delightful reverie over who would make the dreamiest GOP candidate in 2008. Take it away, Gregg (even as I wonder if the extra "g" at the end of his name alters the pronounciation in any way).

My Ideal GOP Presidential Candidate
by Gregg Jackson
Posted Jan 08, 2007

There has been and will continue to be a great deal of speculation surrounding which Republican candidate has the best chance of succeeding President Bush in 2008.

In other words, which potential candidate will take the least serious beating from Clinton/Obama in November '08. Can't say I'm thrilled with the prospect, but hey, if Alan Keyes' campaign taught us anything, its that republicans are fun when they implode.

Some Republicans have suggested that only a "centrist" Republican such as Rudy Giuliani or John McCain can win. If history has taught us anything, it has taught us that checkered pants "Rockefeller Republicans" don't win landslides. Reagan-style conservatives do.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Good Republican Candidate

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Bad Republican Candidate

Not sure which is scarier to be honest. Although to give credit where credit is due, I can't see Big Boy choosing to flee from Lebanon anywhere near as fast as Reagan. Reagan was skinner, and somewhat more afraid of Middle Easterners, which Big Boy would probably have just stood there.

This past November, voters made it clear that the Republican Party had moved too far left, especially on entitlement spending and immigration.

Conservatives like to think this, therefby deluding themselves into the notion that the Left didn't "win" the election really, but rather that the Right chose to boycott the elections out of anger at Bush's leftist ways. While a fun bedtime story for the Reagankinder, this, like so much right-wing daydreaming, is quite simply

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I believe the candidate with the best chance of winning a Reagan landslide would be solidly conservative both fiscally and socially and would be able to clearly articulate a bold conservative vision for America.

If by "a bold conservative vision for America" he means "staying in Iraq forever" and"enriching myself and my cronies at the expense of the nation," I can see why he might stand to be a bit disappointed in '08.

He (or she) would be 100% pro-life. He would propose a human-life amendment and would oppose embryonic stem cell research[...]

And if you or your significant other happen to be pregnant with one of these monstrosities, too freaking bad. You're gonna carry it to term, like it or not [WARNING: EXTREMELY DISTURBING CONTENT].

[...]and would fully recognize what Thomas Jefferson did, which is that government's primary role is to protect human life.

Which is why he would institute a strict policy of global non-interventionism and cut the military budget by half in 4 years or less. Yeah, that's happening.

He would echo the words of Ronald Reagan, who said, "America will never be whole as long as the right to life as granted by our Creator is denied to the unborn."

This was of course some 15 years after he had decided not to veto CA's abortion law, one of the most liberal at the time. But to be honest, he couldn't remember wether or not he had had anything to do with that "Arms-for-hostages" memo bearing his signature, or if he'd actually been in Europe during WWII, so I guess we should go easy on him.

No Republican president has ever been pro-choice on abortion. The pro-life movement is the heart and soul of the Republican Party.

See above.

He would be 100% opposed to same-sex marriage. We need a president who can clearly articulate to the nation why a federal marriage amendment is needed to protect marriage from activist courts and state legislatures who have attempted to usurp the legislative authority of "we the people" to define marriage.

This is of course in keeping with the GOP's deeply-held belief in the supremacy of the individual citizen and State governments (especially when it comes to Federal taxation and National Parks), except of course when it needs to eradicate direct threats to the Republic, (such as seculrism and gay sex).

He would be fiscally conservative and would propose bold tax and spending cuts. The American taxpayer is over taxed.

I couldn't agree more that in a society where 12% of the population suffers from hunger, 10% of the Baby Boom generation lives below the poverty line, 33% of the Eldery have no health insurance to cover their medication, and middle-class families can no longer comfortably exist on two full-time salaries that the greatest fiscal threat to the American public are taxes on the top 2% of the American population.

My ideal candidate would make the case once and for all for a flat tax. Even Iraq has one. It is absurd that our nation doesn't.

And we all know how well things have been working out over there with the Iraqi economy and all, don't we? Nothing like having a bunch of 20-something, homeschooled, Heritage Foundation Interns running your economy to get those free market juices pumping.

He would propose specific market based reforms for Social Security and education. He would not propose "saving Social Security." He would propose transforming it entirely so that younger workers could invest in their own private accounts.

As worked as wonderfully in Chile during the Pinochet years. You know, those great "investment accounts" that gave about an 80% return AT BEST on the original investment and in some cases resulted in the loss of the principal for the workers? But hey, at least the Wall Street guys got rich off of it.

He would also make the case for expanded school choice voucher programs and charters explaining how they primarily benefit the least advantaged minorities in our society and would dare Democrats to oppose him.

Hurrah for bipartizanship! :)

And when they did, he'd be all like setting his jaw and muttering "well then, I'll see you at noon at the corral. Bring your sixgun." and they'd be like, all scared, and stuff. Because he's so macho and tough. And it would be cool.

He would be 100% opposed to illegal immigration. He would call for the immediate deportation of all illegal aliens in our federal prisons and would demand that a security fence be constructed across the entire southern border—not just 700 miles.

This would of course coincide with the realease of the new line of General Motors/Halliburton Automatons who would do the same jobs as the Mexicans (currently: pulling lettuce, cleaning toilets, pumping your gas, cleaning your motel, and watching your kids) without demanding the exbobitant $2.13 and hour in wages. And much like the immigrants, when one of them broke down, you could just kick him to the curb and get a new one.

He would call on Americans to recommit themselves to the founding principles of our nation and would speak frequently about how fragile the unalienable rights that we enjoy are and that the most important purpose of our government is to protect life, liberty, and property not to redistribute wealth and provide cradle to grave welfare.

Unless of course you're a major corporation, in which case not only do you deserve every penny of welfare you get, but since you live forever, will never have to worry about giving it back or paying estate taxes on it.

Finally, my ideal Republican presidential candidate would speak unambiguously about the jihadist threat facing our nation and Western Civilization in general. He would make it clear to the American people and the world that we will never negotiate with terror states such as Syria and Iran and that we will not hesitate to pre-empt a terrorist attack on our nation with overwhelming force.

Which is odd really when you think about it. Reagan negociated with terrorists all the time and it never seemed to bother him any 9that is, when he could remember it).

He would also announce that we are the most tolerant country in the world but that the United States will never tolerate those on U.S. soil who preach jihad who call for the destruction of our nation and those who do will be jailed or deported.

Thereby violating their right to free speech and jailing those who dare say the "j-word" in public.

He would be unequivocal in his support for Israel and announce to the world that any attack on Israel would be considered an attack on the United States.

Thus engaging in an act of high treason against the Republic by putting the interests of a foreign land over those of his own nation.

Finally he would call on every American citizen to unite in the war on Islamofacism and ask each individual American to take part in the overall war effort by serving their country—not by "shopping" but by joining the military, sponsoring a soldier, or volunteering to assist deployed soldiers' families.

Which if of course why Gregg will be rushing out and joining the military immediately at the conclusion of this peice. Or his dream date gets elected, whichever comes last.

He would make it clear, as Reagan did, that no foreign power or hate filled ideology could defeat a united America.

Except for that one time in Lebanon in 1983, but that was totally a fluke.

A candidate who possessed these beliefs and boldly articulated these positions and repeated them every chance he could would, no doubt, win a Reagan style landslide in '08. Anything less in my mind results in President Hillary Clinton.

Wow. Let's recap. In 2008, Gregg Jackson's ideal candidate would...

1) Be a "real" Republican (je. from the NASCAR belt)

2) "100% Pro-Life," and in favor of a Constitutional Ammendment banning abortion in all cases, including rape, incest, extreme deformities, and in the case of the mother's life being threatened.

3) 100% opposed to same-sex marriage and in favor of a Constitutional Ammendment banning that.

4) Establish a flat tax and repeal taxes on inheritances of over $1 Million, repeal taxes on stock market profits, and repeal taxes on company payments to stockholders [ED: a real revolution for the masses!]

5) Abolish Social Security as an insurance policy and replace it with a stock market portfolio for every citizen [Thanks, H&R Block!]

6) Militarize and wall off the Mexican border

7) Deport all illegal immigrants immediately

8) Do his best to reduce and/or eliminate all welfare programs

9) Jail and/or deport those calling for Jihad

10) Greatly expand the military, militarize society, and perhaps even introduce a form of conscription.

I think I need a drink.

Marc with a C, 5:38 PM


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