Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Banging on the Tabor

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I love Nathan Tabor, in much the same way I love the slightly retarded runt in the hyena pit at the zoo. No matter how often he gets bitten by the other hyenas, no matter how often the warden has to hit him up with the spray bottle, not matter how many times he gets kicked off to the side of the pack during feeding time and has to content himself with chewing on bare chain-link fencing until everyone else is done with the evening meal, you can always count on him to bounce right back, baring his teeth and growling in a ridiculously cute snarl. Because no matter how many times you point out to him the fact that he is a semi-retarted, malnourished runt and embarassment to the rest of the pack, he's always there, comically daring you to say it to his face. Wether this is a sign of stupidity or stubornness, I can't say. Though I will at least give him this much credit: it takes a brave man to run for congress twice and at the same time claim that you're a "small business owner" because your mommy forced your successful older brother to let you join in on his successful menopausal soy products. This is of course after having been arrested destroyed a neighbor's wheat crop at age 19 while four-wheeling. But hey, I hear he takes good care of his family and is a loving husband. Anyway, let's begin.

Calling all conservatives
Nathan Tabor
January 16, 2007

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I know you're busy earning a living...chauffeuring your kids to soccer practice...fixing the leaking faucet in your bathroom.

[...sitting at home, watching the teevee as the dividends keep rolling on in]

As much as I'd like to think Nathan is referring to either the liberation of "stay at home" moms who are finally being recognized for the invaluable services they contribute to the hearth and home, or (alternatively) the thousands of latina immigrants working as maids and servants in the affluent households of rich, white conservatives such as that of the Tabors', something tells me I'm wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

And I know that it's not that you don't care — but that you care so deeply that it's hard for you to even think about what's been going on in this country this week — it's just so painful.

Our friend Nathan here is of course talking about Monday's federal holidy: Martlin Luther King, Junior Day. Because as we've all seen in previous columns, we know what Nathan's views are when it comes to civil rights for minorities.

But, if you're a conservative, I think you'll need to park the mini-van long enough to call up your local talk radio talk show and vent.

If you're a liberal, on the other hand, you'll have to ask the conductor to pull the bus over. Or alternatively, the Yugo (we're a pretty diverse group).

After all, you deserve it, since it's your hard-earned dollars that are paying the salaries of the designer-suited politicos who not only want to take the aforementioned hard-earned money away from you, but destroy all the values you hold dear in the process.

Being a failed congressional candidate, I think we can trust Nathan's insight on this one. At least, insofar as suits and the desires of the elected officials representing us are concerned. When it comes to one's "hard-earned money" on the other hand, I think it's safe to say Nathan is pretty much making it up as he goes along.

It's time for conservatives to rise up out of their cul-de-sacs and take back control of their country.

Well, at least he's brave enough to admit that conservatives are generally people who
1) Own mini-vans
2) Listen to talk radio
3) Have kids that enjoy soccer practice, and
4) Live in the safe, rich, white, upper-middle-class burbclaves of America.

Um...nothing for me to argue with there. Although it is interesting to note that he chose to refer to conservatives as being in a "cul de sac," a term which is not only French in origin, but also means a dead end. Literally, the "ass of a bag." Or bag of ass. Whichever you prefer.

Or else our children are going to pay the price.

Yeah. Like that
$360 BILLION war none of us saw coming. Just imagine how much worse it'd be if the Democrats were in charge!

Here's what the past week of liberal Democratic control of Congress has done for our nation:

Democrats summarily dismissed the President's new strategy for Iraq. Openly. Publicly. Enthusiastically.

But somehow when the President dismisses their advice and "new strategy in Iraq," it's ok, presumably due to the "President is King" segment of the unitary Executive Theory. But hey, that's all right. Bush did the same thing to the Iraq Study Group's finings a few months back. What goes around...

We are in the midst of a hard-fought war that is putting our sons' and daughters' lives on the line.

Well, not Nathan Tabor's sons or daughters, that's for sure.

We owe it to them to support them in the field. Yet, Democrats — and when did Nancy Pelosi go to War College? — claim the President's plan is unworkable.

Well hey, if we want to make military experience the benchmark of which political leaders are fit to be commander in chief, I can say with certainty that Bush's name isn't very high on the list, pal. That John Kerry feller, on the other hand...

Yet, they have no plan of their own. If you truly cared about winning a war...if you really wanted to safeguard national security...and you didn't care for the Commander-in-Chief's war strategy...wouldn't you at least propose a plan of your own?

Yes, we have a plan. It's entitled "Operation STOP FUCKING AROUND AND GET THE FUCK OUT WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME." Look it up.

Pelosi's 100 Days campaign is just more Democratic propaganda. The aim is not to advance this nation diplomatically, strategically, or scientifically. It's all just an effort to see how much Dems can get away with once they're in power. It's also an attempt to pave the way for the Democratic Party's next Presidential candidate to wage a take-no-prisoners campaign against the GOP.

While as everyone knows, all this time the GOP (Nathan Tabor
included!) has been a model of civility and restraint when it comes to key campaigns.

As a fellow conservative, I don't blame you if you're fed up with scandal, corruption, and political gamesmanship in Washington. So am I.

Yes, after an entire week of Democratic control, Nathan tabor is fed up with the scndal, corruption, and political gamesmanship in Washington. Hey Nate, we feel your pain. Or did, for the better part of the last 14 years. Suck it up!

But if you care about this country's future...and the future of your'll take action now. You'll write a letter to the'll call your Congressman...'ll slap another yellow ribbon on that SUV...'ll tell your children that country is more important than political advantage...that patriotism isn't a dirty word...that the best way to make money is to earn it.

By inhereting a family fortune and then lobbying and lobbying your ass off until you get that damned Estate Tax and Dividends Tax repealed! That there is hard work!

You'll stand up for the conservative values that your parents and grandparents instilled in you.

And you won't apologize for trying to reverse the course of Pelosi's 100 days.

Hehehehe. Have fun Nathan. To the rest of you: welcome to the new dark age fo the Republican Party!
Marc with a C, 11:18 AM


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