Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

This message of holiday cheer brought to you by...

Jonathan David Morris, because he's a prick. That's really the only explanation I can come up with at this point, although I am sure that given enough time with his psychotherapist, we could probably come up with a more scientific mental disorder. Personally, I'm thinking Antisocial Personality Disorder, due to a complete lack of emotional nuturing as a child and originally manifesting itself as a combination of bedwetting, cruelty to animals, and pyromania. However, since I've always felt that pop pyschology was a group effort, here is the list of DSM-IV criteria for diagnosing a potential APD-inclined patients:

  1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
  2. deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
  3. impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
  4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated fights or assaults (both physically or mentally)
  5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others
  6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain steady work or honor financial obligations
  7. lack of remores as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

Feel free to keep track of these as we dive head-first into his auspiciously-entitled article...

Your lawn looked stupid this year
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Jonathan David Morris

December 19, 2006

Can this be the end of stupid Christmas decorations, please? Can 2006 be the last time we celebrate Christmas with giant inflatable snow globes on our front lawns?

Well you do know Jon that many of us on the Left side of the blogosphere are looking forward to the day where Christmas is eliminated entirely. Will yu join us in our struggle to make Chrismas as secular and irrelevant as
New and Improved Coke? Didn't think so.

I can't take it anymore. I'm not Scrooge. I'm not anti-Christmas, and I'm not anti-decorating for Christmas.

I'm anti-you.

Awwww....He's so cute when he balls up his little fists like that. You see, JDM isn't so much an Ebeneezer Scrooge as he is Benito Mussolini. He doesn't hate you because of something you've done, he just hates you for who you are. Isn't that a nice change?

And I'm anti-anyone who decorates their lawn like an idiot.

Here's a list of what I never want to see again:

First on my list are people who seem to think that the best way to beat the length requirement for a writing assignment is by writing lots of one-sentance paragraphs. It didn't work in 5th grade JDM, and it won't work now (except of course for places that have much lower standards than Mrs. Brown's English Class. Then again, I never wrote for Renew America).

1. Those giant inflatable snow globes with real "snowing" action.

I agree. Just starting at those pearly white flakes circulating around an articicially created environment with their smiling snowmen and cozy houses through his telescope on mount crumpet pisses off Jon like you wouldn't believe.

2. Giant inflatable Santas, snowmen, polar bears, penguins with scarves, Winnie the Poohs, football players, and Thanksgiving turkeys. In fact, if you ever have the chance to put something giant or inflatable on your front lawn, don't.

Unless of course it's an inflatable George W. Bush, complete with its own super-inflatable air bladder to simulate our commander-in-cheif's mighty
codpiece of destruction.

3. Nativity scenes made from cheap plastic where I can see the yellow light bulb inside the Baby Jesus's head.

I agree! From here on out, all nativity figures will be made from a minimum of 18kt gold lame and will be illuminated by the light being reflected off precious stones (lighting services will of course be provided by Halliburton).

4. Any simulation of the Santa Claus character. This includes electrical life-size Santas that turn at the waist as they wave at me, and small plastic Santas perched with reindeer on your roof.

It should also be noted that any one attempting to slide down Jonathan's chimney on or about the night of December 24th will be met by his welcoming committe of inbred redneck children and deranged cocker spaniel (named, appropriately enough, "Barbara"). You have been warned.

5. Anything that involves the creative arrangement of seizure-inducing blinking lights. Especially if it spells out a seasonably relevant word. Great — you can spell. Try spelling "Hi, I'm a moron" next time.

If I knew Jonathan was going to be driving around my neighborhood, I could think of a whole lot of other things I'd spell out with my Christmas lights. Things like "Jonathan David Morris is donkey-tupping arse-sniffer!!!" for staters.

I'm tired of seeing this stuff when I drive past your house every December. It doesn't make me merry. All it does is make me think you and your neighbors are pathetic (you for having the decorations; your neighbors for living next to you).

"I do, however, draw the line at people who drive around in your neighborhood staring at your stupid Christmas displays. They are no doubt named Jonathan David Morris, and exceedingly fabulous in all respects."

I think we've come to the point where people will put literally anything on their lawns as long as it's billed as a "Christmas" decoration. You could sell a giant menorah and write "Christmas" on the box, and people would put it on their lawn for Christmas.

Hey it wouldn't be the first time someone has used false advertising to sell a product. Jonathan's website, for example, bills him as "a voice for the age of media convergence," instead of "a fat flatulent git." Because we all know how well that would sell.

You could put human feces on a stick and tie a crimson ribbon around it, and people would be lining up to drive the sharp end of that stick into the grass outside their house.

"And if you're looking to find such a stick, you'll find it up my ass. No, you can't have it. It's hard enough for me to come up with the appropriate tone as it is without you stealing my only source of inspiration."

This needs to stop. These decorations have "white trash" written all over them. And speaking on behalf of fine white trash everywhere: Your Christmas decorations are giving us a bad name.

You'd think that Jonathan alrady had the market cornered on that particular angle.

For future reference, just because they sell a decoration at the drug store doesn't mean you have to buy it. They sell Trojan Magnums at the drug store, too. I'll bet you're not buying those every Christmas.

"And that's because your penis is teh smal!!11!!1!lol!1!1! Man, I crack me up. Speaking of which, my wife still says that she can only have sex once a year because of her womanly body. Anyone know if that's actually true?"

Someone should get everyone who wants giant inflatable snow globes to move to a single town out in Iowa somewhere. You would probably be able to see this town from space. But I wouldn't care, as long as I can't see it from my house.

"While you're at it, would one of you all mind helping me fix the compute before you leave? This whole 'updating-from-the-library' thing is really a drag."

I realize you're just trying to compensate for your complete lack of faith in anything spiritual. But honestly... I shouldn't have to look at it.

I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I do happen to have faith in something spiritual. That just one of these days Ms. Morris will finally get around to trying to yank those Christmas displays off other people's lawns and will suddenly learn a very short, sharp lesson in the nature of electrical currents on the human body. Oh well, we can only hope. 'Til next time :)

Marc with a C, 4:49 PM


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