Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Notes from the Asylum

Today's column features a previously ignored author and new arrival to our site here at BTP, beacause if there's something we really love doing, it's broadening our cultural horizons. Her name is Melanie Morgan and despite the faulty logic and assinine writing style which seem to be her trademark items, she is not in fact related to a captain of the same surname (although she does seem to like to hit up a few shots of his product before launching into another diatribe. Not to mention the fact that it takes a very special brand of wingnut to maintain even at this late hour that the war, despite the elitist media reports, is going swimmingly, and indeed would be going even more swimmingly if it wasn't for the areforementioned liberal media emboldening our enemies and disheartening the American public at home. Or something.). Anyway, here goes.

Winning in Iraq despite the liberal media
Posted: December 29, 2006
1:00 a.m. Eastern

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I promised myself that this week's column would have nothing to do with the war, or our troops or the outrages that pass for news in this country.

But, this promise, like so many past New Year's resolutions has gone the way of all the others...lost somewhere amongst the bon-bon wrappers and spent wine cooler bottles. Carry on!

But, that was before I picked up this morning's newspaper and saw another egregious example of the liberal media trying to twist public opinion to their liking.

The latest outrage that's got me madder than a cat on a hot tin roof and sent my blood pressure sky-high was this headline: "U.S. Deaths in Iraq Exceed 9-11 Count."

Indeed. Journalism majors-ladies and gentlemen, take note. What is in the world of wingnuttia "another egreious example of the liberal media bias trying to twist public opinion to their liking" is often concurrently identified as "objective fact" in the rest of society. Those of you willing to placate your conservative readers are advised to change your headlines to something less troublesome and odious to their senisbilities. Something like "U.S. deaths in Iraq do not Exceeed 9-11 Count." It may not be true, but damn, it'll make you popular.

The Associated Press proudly proclaimed the banner news on Dec. 26, not even trying to disguise their glee.

"The U.S. military death toll in Iraq has reached 2,974, one more than the number of deaths in the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks in the United States, according to an Associated Press count on Tuesday."

The accompanying press photos included a shot of rows upon rows of body bags, adorable puppies, and a huge, full-color fireworks display with the caption reading "SCORE!!!!"

Excuse me! What a pitiable excuse for journalistic judgment. If I weren't so used to this slanted, biased, out-of-context information about the war in Iraq, I might laugh. But nothing about this countless recitation of so-called information is even remotely funny when American lives are at stake.

I agree with Stephen Colbert on this one. Indeed I too quivver with rage at the very though of these elitist Islamocommunist newspapers using the shield of the First Ammendment to advance their fact-based agenda.

Nor does this article do anything to illuminate the public about the war, why we are fighting it and why we are winning it. Yep. I said WINNING IT.

While I don't agree with Melanie on her assertion that we are winning the war in Iraq (with even George Bush having jumped off that ship a while ago), I do agree with her that we need more newspaper coverage in various underreported aspects of the war in Iraq. However exploring, documenting, and actually pinning down the exact reason "why we are fighting" Operation Shifting Rationale is more worthy of a multi-volume encyclopedia than a single newspaper article. I seem to recall there being some talk of Weapons of Mass Destruction, UN Resolutions, Iraqi involvement in 9-11, freedom of the Iraqi people, dominoes of democracy and the attempts of Saddam Hussein to aquire Vorgon Battlecruisers, but I could be wrong.

I did a cursory Internet search after that damnable wire story crossed, and allow me to be a bit presumptuous and rewrite today's repackaged propaganda that emanates from the dirty, cramped cubicles that most media occupy.

Oh that blasted media and its dirty, dirty cubicles! This message brought to you by Melanie Morgan and the Department for Factual Patriotism and Media Sanitation.

The headline should have read: "50,000 Iraqi Insurgents Dead, Caught"

That didn't take much work on my part. No, I didn't really even crack a sweat. It is an ACTUAL headline from the Washington Times dated July 26, 2005. The numbers now are undoubtedly higher. That works out to about a 17-to-1 kill ratio for our side. The side most Americans want to actually win this war.

Because if the Vietnam war taught us anything, it's that the side with the most casualties loses. In which case, the Iraqi civilians are the biggest losers. At an estimated 600,000, that makes the civilian to U.S. soldier casualty ratio 201:1, and the civilian to "terrorist" ratio 12:1. Ain't that a bitch?

Peter Mulhern, a conservative writer at the American Thinker, posits that there is this insane argument in the press today that Americans are using disproportionate force in Iraq, killing innocent civilians and not enough of the bad guys.

Oddly enough, all the article did to set you off was point out that more Americans have now died on a fruitless military adventure and vanity war in Iraq than were ever killed during the events of 9-11, the perennial piss-pants, trumps-all wingnut arguement to justify, well, pretty much everything. Tool.

Yet when numbers of dead terrorist insurgents are released, most of the media ignore it. AP is busy keeping count of American casualties but can't seem to find the number for the enemy killed or captured. The sad reality is that they are only looking for facts to support their liberal political position, not to inform the American people.

Yeah and I'm sure that if the Media had reported in 1973 that the NVA and Viet Cong had suffered close to 1.7 MILLION casualties (both killed and wounded), it would have totally reinvigorated the American public and given us just the dedication we needed to keep on fighting the war to the bitter end. Idiot.

The intellectual giants at the New York Times and networks want to have it both ways – too many American lives are being lost in Iraq AND that our troops are killing too many people. The liberals never make the distinction that these "innocent civilians" are oftentimes actually sympathizers or actively involved in blowing up those who stand with freedom.

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The plain truth is that al-Qaida has virtually been eliminated in Iraq thanks to the best-trained soldiers in American history.

Which is no doubt why they staged a large walkabout in Mosul in broad daylight last week, distributed leaflets, and generally made a ruckus of themselves before disappearing again. Or why 70% of Iraqi sheiks have pledged allegiance or otherwise offered them support.

The pockets of insurgents that hide in the shadows of Baghdad suburbs are on the run and resorting to cowardly mini-bombs they hide under concrete or in the roadside garbage in two provinces.

Which is kinda like saying that since nly two cities were attacked on 9-11, the incidents were fairly minor in the grand scheme of things and not really worth all the fuss.

Don't be confused by the unfortunate sectarian violence that is occurring in Iraq today. There is a battle between various factions for control of the country, and the effort to get Iraqis to abandon violence and use the democratic process is a difficult and necessary road.

Shorter Melanie Morgan: The fact that various Iraqi factions are fighting each other for control of the country only underscores the great job we've done in briging them freedom and democracy.

But the media and the Blame America First crowd have quietly changed their refrain from "we are losing the war to the terrorists" to "we can't stop a civil war." Wait a minute. What happened to our losing to terrorists? We didn't lose. We won. It is too bad President Bush can't put a few sentences together to explain it to the American public.

Melanie, please note. Losing to the terrorists and being unable to stop a civil war are not mutually exclusive. Indeed, one might even argue that a burgeoning Iraqi civil war is proof that we have already lost. And as for the president being unable to explain what exactly is going on in Iraq, I seem to recall that his best feature in the 2004 election was his being a strong a decisive leader. Not some wishy-washy flip-flopper. Ah well.

But the facts are pretty clear that we have won the war against a brutal regime that increasingly supported and aided the international Islamic terrorist network. With lots of oil money and weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a threat to American security.

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1) Saddam had no connections to international terrorism.
2) Saddam couldn't sell his oil outside of the UN oil-for-food program
3) Saddam had no WMD and had abandoned his WMD project after the 1991 Gulf War.

Seriously, at this point, I'm about ready to freaking give up. And no, I'm not going to link to the 9-11 comission report or any of the other documents which prove the above facts. You can do it. Just fire up "teh google." You'll be fine.

The leadership in this country has failed to win the peace and has led us to a yawning precipice where just a gentle push by the left sends us tumbling into a catastrophic loss for the United States.

I thought the war was already won, Melanie, and that we'd only win if the damned liberal media gave it a rest. So are you backtracking now?

Tearing down Saddam Hussein's statue in the first weeks after the Iraq war began is a perfect metaphor for our inability to stabilize the region. 

As was slapping an American flag over his face, much to the horror of the onlooking Iraqis.

Who can forget the live video as Iraqi civilians approached the statue, slapping their shoes at the man who oppressed them for over 30 years? Iraqi men and teenage boys soon swarmed the statue, clawing and tugging, pushing and prodding at the murderous dictator's likeness.

All happily bought and paid for by our good friend (and convicted fraudster) Ahmed Chalabi.

But it took the military might of a few American soldiers inside their Bradley tanks to crash the egomaniacal dictator's statue to Earth. The next live footage showed an American flag being hoisted and then, just as quickly, coming down, replaced with an Iraqi flag. 


The generals back at CENTCOM were watching too and quickly sent out the order that the symbolism wouldn't play in the eyes of the haters of the United States, giving the order to switch those flags.

Well that, and it was freaking offensive as hell to the average Arab around the entire Middle East.  Nothing says "we come in peace and brotherhood" to the entire Muslim world like a live Al Jazeera feed of American soldiers pulling down a monument and plastering it with an American flag.  But hey at least you have the courage to sort of admit that the event wasn't as spontaneous and genuine as originally billed. 

Politics, once again, triumphed over victory. If we are to prevail, one lesson that our leaders have to learn: We cannot back away from victory.

Oddly enough, that's exactly what I'm doing with this column.  I only hope I left the back door open.

Some really good friends told me recently that I need to lighten up. Smile. Celebrate Christmas. Write about all the good news in the world today that might have been snubbed by our mostly liberal media. Yes, I thought, that is good advice.

Cheif Psychologist's Report, Belleview State Mental Hospital

I am happy to report that as of this morning, we have made some major breakthroughts in our study of Patient 18769.  Although we knew from the very beginning that she was suffering from delusions of grandeur and utterly irrational, locked as she was in her fantasy world, Doctor Throckmorton's encouragement of "Melanie" to put her thoughts into writing seems to have paid off.  Apparently "Melanie" fancies herself to be a successful, popular, well-paid conservative columnist and oftentimes mistakes members of the nursing staff for her "friends" and "admirers," while referring to Dr. Throckmorton as her "publisher" and the other inmates as members of the "liberal media elite."  While these breakthroughs are fairly significant, I believe much remainst o be done before Patient 18769 is finally cured of her delusions, if ever.

I guess I'll just have to make a new resolution for 2007, because now I feel compelled to dive into the cesspool of liberal sanctimony.

Doctor's Report, Addendum

At approximately 4:26 this morning I received a call at my house from Dr. Lambert, the duty physician on staff at Ward A, reporting that Patient 18769 had begun another round of fecal obession and was even now being put in 4-point restraints lest she begin another episode of cropophilia.  This is discouraging news to say the least, and I now begin to fear that Patient 18769 will never recover.  Nevertheless, I will continue to do my best and check in on her progress as often as my busy schedule allows.
Marc with a C, 1:57 PM


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