Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Welcome to the party, pal!

Since the Whine on Christmas(tm) is rapidly ramping up here at our studios, we decided the next best thing to bitching and moaning about how Christians are being discriminated against was to get started with the whining even earlier. And so, in keeping with the glorious American tradition of Christmas Creep with regards to the holiday season, we have decided to start this year's bitching early, but not in the way you think. Bitching about the campaign of anti-Christian discrimination inherent in the desire of certain retailers to recognize the existance of other religions is so freaking provincial, especially when all one does to combat it is start the complaining earlier.

As such, we here at BTP have decided to take the novel step of starting the Whine on Thanksgiving(tm)! Yes, now we at least can have our own, patented, self-righteous cause for righteous indignation that would for us to recognize the other reli-wait. What do you meansomeone has already beaten us to it? Damn you,
Bonnie Alba! Oh well, I guess you'll just have to enjoy this image from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians in the meantime while I go boil some water for another hot cup of snark. Be right back!

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"Designation San-TA. Is it really true that on the planet Earth, it is the role of elderly human men is to nurse their young to back health?"

"Shut up, tinhead. Don't you DARE ruin this moment for me."

Thanksgiving's future hope
Bonnie Alba
November 21, 2006

I make a prediction for this exclusive American holiday:

Hey, I do too! That it isn't exclusively American. Am I right, oh mighty Google, or what?

In 50 years, should America still exist, Thanksgiving will be proclaimed as a holiday without any historical reference to the Pilgrims or why they risked everything to come to an unknown wilderness

Should in 50 years America cease to exist, however, they will probably call it something Mexican. Like Fiesta Grande. And there will be no turkey or stuffing. Just a pinata, but instead of getting candy like in an American pinata, it will be full of...I dunno. Jalapenos and Aztek Cola or something. And probably free abortion coupons. But definately not candy.

Today, in most homes across America, Thanksgiving is not so much one of giving thanks as it is about feasting, drinking, watching football games and for the women — a major kick off to the holiday shopping sprees.

And also for the women, the cleaning up after the feasting, drinking, and watching of football. That's everyone's favorite holiday tradition (except for those feminist types. But they probably couldn't give a hoot about what the menfolk want anyway, those nasty little floozies!).

There's nothing wrong with these activities. After all, the Pilgrims and Indians celebrated with games, gun and bow contests and food aplenty on that day long ago.

Yes. Gun and Bow contests. Heh. I wonder which one came out on top there. Genocide: An American tradition. (Hey Chevrolet, I've got another ad idea for you!)

But they started with prayers to God.

Granted, one of those gods was probably the Great Spirit or the Blue Corn Maiden, but let's not split hairs or anything.

The question arises as to our historical memory and what children are being taught about the Thanksgiving celebration. The Xers and Busters (20-40 years old), now raising another generation, are all but ignorant of the facts.

And those durn kiddies are always cutting across my lawn or hitting baseballs into my yard. If it happens one more time, I'm filing a complaint with the police.

Early American history is being revised, albeit slowly, through textbook education and even through tourism around our country.

If you want to peruse history by touring national monuments and our nation's Capitol, then don't be surprised at the delivery of a partial and very distorted history. How is it being revised? Better to give you an example.

Can you beleive that now some big-nose scholar back East is claiming that ole General Washington never did cut down a Cherry Tree and that Paul Bunyan never really made the Great Lakes! What will those silly LIEberals come up with next?

Pastor Todd DuBord and wife Tracy, California Lake Almanor Community Church, toured some of the historical monuments this year. At Jamestown Settlement, here's what they found: Emphasized heavily and repeatedly was that the only reason the first (Virginia) settlers came to America: "To make money." This main reason given is so incomplete as to be ludicrous and beyond any thinking person's intellect.

That's because the colony at Jamestown was the result of a joint economic venture between the British crown and the Virginia Company, which was granted OWNERSHIP of the Virginia colony in 1606. That and the fact that in the first trip there were no women (although a high percentage of Polish and Prussian lumberjacks), Christopher Newport's first tip back to England included a load of "gold" (later proved to be fools gold), and the reason why people suddenly became much more interested in settling there after the hybridization of Tobbacco (to the tune of 50,000 pounds a year in 1617, just 6 years after the infamous "starving time"). Ain't a whole lot of religious dissenters in Jamestown, I'm afraid.

Not once was the 1606 Virginia Charter with its religious overtone mentioned: "propagating of Christian religion to such people as yet live in darkness and miserable ignorance of the true knowledge and worship of God."

And if you believe that, I'd like to advance the notion that Hitler invaded Poland in 1939 solely due to a cross-border raid by Polish troops, and that King Leopold of Belgium was also interested primarily in abolishing slavery and saving the souls of the Congolese. All those rubber plantations were just a useful afterthought.

Not once was the fact that the first act of the settlers after landing at Cape Henry, April 27, 1607, was to erect a large wooden cross and hold a prayer meeting.

No, the first act of the colonists upon landing at Cape Henry (on April 26th, not 27th) was to look around a bit, and then exchange fire with some Indians in which two colonists were wounded, and to begin construction of a small boat. The cross was not set up until the 29th of April (and to be honest, after 4 months at sea, I'd be feeling pretty thankful too).

There's an obvious conflict between factual history and what is being taught now.

No shit. See above.

We see it while the guides murmur their brainwashed babble produced by humanist revisionists who work under the auspices of the Department of the Interior (DOI).

Hm. Brainwashed babble, auspices, and the Department of the Interior all mentioned in the same sentace. This paragraph is only missing one thing.

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Oh SHIT!! A Black Helicopter! RUN!!!!!!!

So, yes, the Thanksgiving we oldies grew up knowing will die a slow death as God has already been removed from public awareness. His principles of absolute truth are no longer in vogue if we go by a recent Barna poll which showed that in the 20-40 years-old-group, over half have rejected "absolute truth" and seek to believe ethics and morality are based on "what is right for the person."

And they say the youth of America never learn anything. But I do see the logic in it. After all, using my standards of morality based on "what is right for the person," I would give my girlfriend a hug and Bonnie a kick in the head. According to the logic of absolute truth, everyone would have to get a kick in the head. Man, this old-school stuff is a bitch.

Because of their acceptance of loosening moral standards, the rising, younger generations will accept whatever anyone says about history without questioning whether it's true or not. This acceptance is part of the transitioning to a complete secularization of America with Humanism as its religion.

Yeah next thing I know, you'll be telling me that the conquest of the west was done in half-hour segments by the Lone Ranger and Matt Dillon, and that the Indians really didn't mind being exterminated because presumably their shit was primitive and crappy and stuff. Besides, I thought that questioning wether or not something was true was the hallmark of someone who doesn't beleive in absolute truth. Damn, I have to give points to Bonnie for originality (though she does lose quite a bit on internal self-consistency).

Is there any hope that the facts of American history will be remembered and retained by future generations? A resounding YES! There will always be a remnant of people who will know the truth and they will pass it on to their children, and their children will pass it on, etc.

Like that time Uncle Martin caught the largest tuna anyone had ever seen. Sure, he threw it back into the ocean before anyone was able to photograph it, but what the hell, it's a good story. Passing folk tales down through the generations is the only way to ensure everyone gets a good education (just look at the Bible!).

Right now, millions of children are being taught through home schooling, private and church schools, the truth and facts about our Christian history and its influence on the founders of the colonies and later the United States.

This of course is being taught in a secular, accredited, fully approved educational environment complete with professionally certified, university-educated teachers well grounded in the fundamental rules of professional skepticism and the scientific method, the base upon which all the major developments since the late 17th century rest.

Just kidding.

This is the Hope of millions of parents who carry on the traditions of Thanksgiving and remembrance of a tiny group of people called the Pilgrims who put their complete faith and trust in God. It's about remembering how the United States became a great nation because her people trusted in God's Providence...His Blessings.

Well that and they wanted to go someplace where they wouldn't have their ears and nose cut off for failing to comply with the State-sponsored religion.

So, go ahead and change Thanksgiving's history. Even change its' name to reflect some humanist aspect of modern history. But there will always be a remnant, enough Americans, to remember and teach the next generation the truth. That is our Hope!

Well, at least we can rest easy at night knowing that these people will forever be outcasts and pariahs who will never, ever hold positions of power over the rest of us, right? Right?

Oh, brother.

Marc with a C, 6:19 PM


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