Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Meanwhile, somewhere on the Western Front...

No time for an introduction! I've just come crawling back from our listening post out beyond the barbed wire and have some critical intel that I must deliver to HQ as fast as humanly possible. My God, it was a dreadful couple hours I spent out there in the cold and rain, far away from our lines, within spitting distance of the Right Wing trenches and having to endure the constant discomfort of the weather, the occasional bursts of gunfire, as well as the near incessant outbursts of profanity and flatulence coming from the GOP dugouts as their sense of dispair grew more and more palpable with each Fox News bulletin.

But I've no time to get into this now. This crucial information was gleaned from my hurredly scribbled notes out there in the spider hole as I listened to an unidentified Wingnut officer lanch on his latest tirade against The LEFT. I couldn't get a good look at him, what with the dark and everything, but in glare the occasional glow of a parachute flare or the odd muzzleflash nearby, I could identify the particular officer as one Joseph Farrah, a lower-ranking wingnut of low repute who nevertheless commands a fair amount of respect and attention from his Reich Wing colleagues. It was either him, of someone doing a rather poor Grouch Marx impression as filtered through the lenses of a 1970's porn star. I'll leave it to the boys over in Analysis to make the definitive identification later.

But first, a little background to familiarize ourselves with Mr. Farah's lifes' work. His bio, courtesy of Wikipedia.

Farah made a name for himself in 1990 when he became editor of the Sacramento Union newspaper under the ownership of Daniel Benvenuti Jr. and David Kassis when the three turned the paper in a more conservative direction.[1] Benvenuti and Kassis bought the newspaper from billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife who was also a conservative and would eventually fund the Arkansas Project to bring down Bill Clinton. After 15 months as editor of the Union, Farah stepped down, in part from the 30% decline of the paper's circulation. (The Sacramento Union was bankrupt by 1994, but became an online a monthly magazine in 2004.)[1] From there he moved to Los Angeles to become the executive news editor of the Los Angeles Herald Examiner (now closed) and served as editor-in-chief for various California dailies and weeklies.

Wow. So he's like King Midas of ancient lore. Only instead of turning everything he touches into gold, it instead turns into shit, rancid goat meat, and those disgraceful "Purple Heart" bandaids they handed out at the GOP convetion in 2004. Yikes, this could get ugly.

Shit, another Joseph Farah Column. Masks on, boys!

Outrage in the GBLT caucus

Posted: October 4, 2006
1:00 a.m. Eastern

Do you think the Democrats are really incensed about Rep. Mark Foley's instant messages to congressional pages?

Oh yeah. And when mixed in with the tastier, more exotic elements of a well-publicized right-wing coverup, the newfound and belated GOP concern with policing its own ranks, the hipocrisy of having one of America's Missing and Exploited Children's "greatest advocates" exploiting children, and the generally pathetic attempt to assign blame and bury the whole story before the November elections, you betcha. Though I will admit that it's proving to be a lot more fun than I anticipated as well, watching the Repubs squirm. What do you think, men?

Pirate Chrous (to the sound of rattling cutlasses, the occasional gunshot): "YAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!"

Do you think the party of Barney Frank and Gerry Studds and Bill Clinton has finally had enough with powerful old men who use their positions to gain sexual favors from much younger and inexperienced pages and interns?

If by "younger and inexperienced pages and interns" you mean consulting adults, then aside from the ethical implications, the answer is no. Especially considering the fact that our politicians recognize their failings, accept their censures, and go on to get reelected multiple times, instead of sticking pepperoni rolls in their ears and screaming "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" every time some staffer tries to bring up Representative Gropey McGrabenstein's lewd behavior towards men a quarter their age. But I suppose you can be forgiven for that oversight, Joe. After all, Barney Frank and Gerry Studds' scandals both date back to the previous Republican adminsitration (in Studds' case, the reign of Blessed St. Ronald the Forgetful).

Frankly, if I hear one more Democrat call for House Speaker Dennis Hastert's head, I think I'm going to scream. And that's coming from me – a guy who believes Hastert should resign for mishandling this sicko under his authority.

Translation: "Goddamn it, libs! Criticism is only appropriate when we do it! GAWD!!!"

I don't know who his Haster guy is, but I sure like the sounds of that. I'd love to see the GOP give us Haster's "head." The very though of him "mishandling" "sickos" who are "under his authority" gives me goosebumps. I don't know about that Hastert guy though. He doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who can go for multiple rounds before the ticker goes out, if you know what I mean.

Rep. Gerry Studds and Barney Frank got slaps on the wrist (oooh, they probably liked that!)...

One look at that sentance, and you just know that Joseph Farrah is the king of guy who calls gay people "fags" and African Americans of a certain dress and speech type "niggers" behind their backs. When he's not busy surpressing his own homoerotic curiosity, that is.

As for that miserable attempt at a snide little jab aimed at democrats, liberals, and homosexuals in general, its really no surprise it fails so utterly miserably. The ultimate problem with conservatives in general and Republicans in particular is their lack of any palpable sense of humor. This, coupled with the earth-searing rage which infuses virtually every aspect of their lives, means that when they do attempt to infuse a few choice bons mots into their polemics, they fall straight on their faces and end up looking like angry, sputtering imbeciles.

Those of us on the other side of the political aisle, however, as a general rule do not suffer from this condition. As such while our little outings into the world of well-placed snark slide effortlessly into the fatty flanks of bolivating dunderheads with the same crisp professionalism of a well-placed, diamond-ground tendon knife, similar attempts on the part of people like Joseph Farrah only result in embarassment and aukwardness. This as the failed verbiage which passes for drollery on the right side of the aisle is clumsily excreted in the midst of an already seething paragraph, its corpus all aglisten- a slimy turd just forced out of the pundits inflexible yet capacious bowels, leaving onlookers agog and more than a few wretching.

I am not here making excuses for Foley.

Says the man who just spent the first half of his article attempting to distract the audience by referring to "even worse" Democratic scandals. Hell Joe, yo may not think you're making excuses for a pedophile, but when the cops come for that odd uncle of yours, it doesn't exactly make you look good when you start accusing the Police of ignoring their own bad apples 20-odd years ago.

Like I said, Hastert should be forced out of power for not smoking this weasel out a long time ago. That's incompetence. That's malfeasance.

C'mon Joseph, you can't do that. If your party made it a habit of forcing out from its ranks every corrupt, incompetent and malfaesant lawmaker in power today, the GOP would cease to exist as a viable political entity and would join the ranks of the Anti-Masonic Party and the Know-Nothings. I mean, congress we could handle. But who would occupy the White House?

Here's the way I see it.

The problem is not just pedophiles and would-be pedophiles. Because if that's the only problem we face morally, the Democrats will soon change the age of consent to remove that taboo.

How they plan on doing that when the Republicans control all three branches of government is beyond me. Besides, the fact that all of the Democratic scandals you mentioned involved people of legal consenting age, I fail to see what you're getting at. If anything, it seems to be the Republicans who have this thing for the forbidden fruit of underage children. Not to mention that until recent, the age of consent in many Red States was as low as 14.

The problem is not just old powerful men using their positions to get sexual favors. Because if that's the only problem we face morally, the Democrats have already exonerated the No. 1 perpetrator of all time – Bill Clinton.

Alexander the Great and King David excluded.

The problem is not just politicians hiding pecadillos, pretending they are something they are not, closeting their neuroses. Because if that's the only problem we face morally, the Democrats sooner or later will "out" them all.

Translation: Just because we've made "defense of marriage" and gay bashing one of our main platforms over the last 15 years doesn't mean we can kick them out of the party. We need their votes and besides, the libs will always end up outing them eventually. Why worry? On liberals worry about shit like hypocrisy.

No, the real problem we face, not just in the halls of power in Washington, but throughout the popular culture, in the schools where more and more children are molested every day and in the workplace, can be summarized in one word. Sin.

Translation: It's bad to molest kids because its a sin.

Marc's Prediction for the Way This Article Is Headed: And- wait for it- liberals have been trying to get rid of the concept of sin. So if you tilt your head, screw up your nose, and keep your eyes half closed, its easy to see that this is all the ACLU's fault! By encouraging sin and forcing us aChristians to treat fags like normal human beings, they have weakened our resolve to fight Sin and as such are ultimately responsible for the erosion of moral value and clarity which has resulted in this tragedy.

Moral of the story: Why take personal responsibilities for your failings when you can always blame teh Clenis(tm) instead!

That's an old-fashioned word that politicians don't like to hear about. People in the media scoff when you use it. It's a word you probably can't even utter in public schools without fear of a lawsuit from the American Civil Liberties Union.

But, nevertheless, it's the root of the problem.

*BING!* Sweet! I'll take easily-reduced fantasies for $1200, Alex.

Mark Foley doesn't need to enter a drunk tank for rehab. He needs to get down on his knees in a church. He hasn't done anything for which he won't be forgiven if he is truly repentant.

I think I accidentally stumbled on an "adult" film that sounded remarkably similar to this. I think it was called Rep. Philip Buster and the Dickleration of Independance. Oddly enough, it also involved a disgraced politician getting down on his knees. While the premise was interesting, I admit I was more interested in bikini Babes from Burbank 9 and so can't comment on its relevance.

We're all sinners in this world. But some of us have recognized that. Others have decided that there is no such thing as sin and have attempted to elevate sin to some kind of inalienable right.

And that is the mentality that will bring us more and more Mark Foleys and Barney Franks and Gerry Studdses and Bill Clintons. If we keep rationalizing bad behavior and moral depravity, guess what? We're going to get more and more of it.

I hate to say it, but that is exactly what the Democratic Party has done in the last 30 years. It has turned sin into a civil right.

Says the man who just spend the remaining half of his article rationalizing bad behavior, moral depravity, and blaming it all on the democrats. I swear, every time I think this is about to turn into a full-fledge doesn't. And that makes me sad. Such talent, such waste. It's almost as if Sir Isacc Newton, while right on the very cusp of discovering the physical principles behind the laws of gravity and thermodynamics decided that that sort of academic lifestyle just wasn't for him and burned his manuscripts in order to take up a job selling those oversize turkey legs at a Renaissance Festival. Mr. Farah, you could have been contender! And now not only have you turned your back on what could have been one of the greatest and most entertaining comedic roles of all time, but are now reduced to approximately the same level of existance as a Galapagos Tortoise: slow as a pile of bricks, as dense as battleship's anchor, and as well endowed in the brain-pan as a Stegosaurus. Good night, and good luck.

Marc with a C, 9:19 PM


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