Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Send in the octopus warriors!

Today's column is so howlingly bad that it caused a rupture in the space-time continuum which allowed Yaldabaoth the octopus god to come within a hair's breath of crossing into our dimension and ending reality as we know it. Fortunately, we had a lot of duct tape. And Professor MacGillcuddly's prototype portable black hole generator. However, while duct tape is in and of itself proof of God's existance and eternal love for us, the black hole generator's engineering still has some kinks and as such the gravity well was as not as perfect as I'd have liked. I fear some residual abnomalities in our current realities may persist. Reader discretion is advised.

Israel: Remember Dresden
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By Eugene Narrett
© 2006
Having stopped for gasoline Saturday evening (after taking out another mortgage to finance the fuel and groceries), while paying I heard a female BBC newsperson battering an Israeli official of some sort about the deaths of some "Palestinians" in Gaza.
And we're off to a running start, folks. For starters, can anyone figure out exactly where this guy learned his basic sentance craftsmanship? Right now, I'm thinking either Kaye, "Grogan..." or the Bazooka Joe comics that used to come wrapped around every single peice of gum in the pack. Also, I love the quotation marks around the word "Palestinians." After all, we all know that for the people who live in Palestine to call themselves anything other than Israelis is just plain silly.
Interestingly enough though, our friend Geno here starts off fairly prominsingly. He bitches about the high price of gas and apparently listens to the BBC, so he can't be all bad, right? Unless of course he was practicing his British accent and attributes high gas prices to the swarthy eastern peoples hoarding all our oil. But I digress.
The poor fellow was sputtering, backing up, straining for justifications without straying from the corral of leftist, "peace process" categories of thought and slogans that sandbag Israel every time. He painted himself into a corner.
The fool! He was an idiot to try to engage the left on the ground of its own choosing: the consensus-based reality. If only he had done the smart thing and accused the interviewer of being an anti-semite for daring to critisize the actions of Israel, and then demanded that she conduct the rest of the interview in either Hebrew or Yiddish in order to make sufficient ammends.
As I listened to the nasty and predictable exchange I thought, rubbish and damnation! No need to apologize to anyone, least of all a Brit when discussing collateral damage during war – and war is what jihadists have been doing to Jews for six years, shooting rockets within the borders of pre-1967 Israel.
Whoa whoa whoa. Hang on a second. I'm starting to feel that weird churning in my stomach. I think we are currently experiencing one of those post-dimensional rift alternate reality readjustments that I warned you about earlier. Because there is no way in HELL that someone who just used "rubbish" in a sentance and listens to the BBC is about to go off on "a Brit" for having the audacity to suggest that perhaps Israel is acting in a less-than-restrained way. After all, it's not like London was ever burned to the ground after nights of aerial bombardment now, was it?
(Actually, the war – jihad – is approaching 14 centuries, but let's stick to the narrow definition for now.)
Aw, c'mon Geno. It's so much more fun when you can take a complex and multi-layered historical trend and distill its essence into a succint "THE MUSLAMOCOMMUNIDARKPEOPLE ARE OUT TO GET US!11!!!!!1!!!!!*bowel movement*."
No need to review the evidence that the so-called "Palestinians" are a hostile population that plots to murder Jews in Israel (and elsewhere) and frequently asserts its intention of annihilating it.
Interestingly enough, I think I may have heard those claims made about other people as well. Let's take a look here. Hmm...dum-dum-dm-hmmm.....Oh wait, that's right. There was that whole "Jews help spread Bolshevism and we must exterminate them lest they exterminate us first" meme that went around in the early 20th century and ended right around 1945. May 8th to be specific. For more information, I recommend a Google search for "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion." Be warned though. You are likely to encounter a whole lot of mind-bending fuck-headdery at most site that turn up.

These all are declarations of war, and during war a hostile population is subject to attack; their death, whether unintended or even targeted, is legal part of the rules.

If you don't want to get killed, don't war on other people. Don't shoot rockets across the border into their towns; don't kidnap and murder their children; don't send homicide bombers into their eating places and busses.

I'll say. It also helps if you refrain from invading their countries under false pretenses in order to steal their natural resources and make a killing for all your war profiteer buddies.
On a side note, since we are fighting (and continuously being reminded of) in a supposedly neverending war on terror, does this mean that whatever the terrorists do is justified accordung to the Narrett Laws of Engagement? Because something tells me that would mean coming awfully close to excusing/justifying the 9/11 attacks, which in turn would come awfully close to aiding and abetting an emeny (or at least their actions) in a time of war. But something tells me Geno only means it's okay when the U.S. Military, the British Military, and the I.D.F do it.
Oh well, that's about all I can stomach at this point. If you would like to learn more about Israel, Palestine, WWII history, or the middle east from the perspective Eugene Narrett, I suggest inserting an electric drill with a 3/8 inch bit up your nose and turning it on high. Alternatively, he may be reached at
Marc with a C, 2:17 PM


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