Bomb Throwing Pacifist

This just in according to MSNBC's health bureau. A remarkable new study released by some comittee of platinum-guilded science toffs apparently has concluded that poor people age at an accelerated rate compared to their fat-walleted peers. This is what the article had to say:

People with lower socio-economic status appear to age faster than their better-off counterparts, British researchers said on Thursday.

They showed that the poor have shorter telomeres, the caps on chromosomes that prevent them from fraying, which makes them biologically older than people of the same age in higher social groups.

While I cannot say that I am surprised to hear that poor people's chromosones tend to be of a lower quality and more prone to catastrophic malfunction that the expensive, foreign-produced, exotically-named chromosomes of their social betters, I am just the same mystified by this observation. Perhaps there is more to this equation than first meets the eye. Perhaps our Department of Research and Photo analysis can shed some light on this matter.

Let us begin the analysis by looking at two average women, representative of their socioeconomic class. The first image is that of a woman we will call "Peggy." You will note that while she is in fact 25 years of age, she appears to be only in her late teens.


"Peggy": Rich, aged 35, looks 20

Remarkable, no? Now, let's compare that to our second example, whom we'll call "Maud." While she is only 20 years of age, she in fact appears to be in her late seventies or early eighties. She is the designated "poor person."


"Maud": Poor, aged 20, looks 82.

Now, what could possibly account for this outragious discrepancy between the appearances of these two lovely ladies (oh all right. One lovely lady and one hideous crone)? Although it is tempting to subscribe to the ideas of these fat toff scientists and their "defective chromosomes" theory, I prefer the simpler, more direct route offered by our Department of Research and Photo Analysis. In short, apparent age is determined by the presence or absence of cheap liquor in the body. Observe:

Is it Gin? Is it rum? Is it turpentine? All that can be said for sure is that the liquid contained in that cup is no doubt foul, ill-smelling, cheap, and high in alcohol content. Compared to the light, refreshing, and expensive spirits inbued with equal amounts of vigor by Peggy, it can be little surprise that Maud has aged the way she has, chromosome quality be damned!

Conclusion: Poor people look older than they are because they can drink like the pros. Unlike rich yobbos who only pretend to have a good time between hunting expeditions to the Antarctic and games of lawn tennis at their summer palace.

Such a problem requires a bold solution. My friends, we have only two choices in the matter: make rich people age faster, or make poor people stop drinking such prodigious quantities of cheap liquor. And since we all know that money is power, I say we go with option B.



This is Carrie Nation. Yes, those are a Bible and a hatchet she's carrying. She will be administrating breathalizer tests at random locations in the poorer parts of town, all weekend long.

Happy Friday to you all! Celebrate accordingly.