Bomb Throwing Pacifist
If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Gristle-headed lardy
Taken from MSNBC's Jaqueline Stenson.
Q: I have fat knees. What can I do to shape them up?
Madam, if you are the sort of person prone to believe that you have knees that are fat, it may in fact surprise you to no end to learn that those two lumpy bulges in the center of your legs are not, in fact, wads of fat but rather your kneecaps: rather imporant osscified deposits which are required for such useful activities are walking to the bathroom, running to catch a flight, and fleeing from predators.
Honestly, such questions never cease to amaze me. I for one would be absolutely petrified of asking such a ridiculous question, not only due to the fact that it displays your absolutely disturbing sense of vanity, but also because you run the risk of having equally stupid people going around laughing at you for being a gristle-joined lardy. Although it is difficult to describe the emotions which course through me when I encounter such brazen stupidity, I will say this: the last time I was this angry, the quarrel was resolved with a drunken midnight duel in a forrest clearing with polo mallets. Needless to say, I won. Also needless to say, knees also figured prominently in that mallet-swinging fight to the death.
While I am afraid that I cannot offer any practical advice on how to change the shape of your knees, I can however, recommend that you take a look at the following series of WWII photographs. They wil not shape up or help you tone your knees. They will, however, make you feel a good deal better about your own body. Cheers!
Q: I have fat knees. What can I do to shape them up?
Madam, if you are the sort of person prone to believe that you have knees that are fat, it may in fact surprise you to no end to learn that those two lumpy bulges in the center of your legs are not, in fact, wads of fat but rather your kneecaps: rather imporant osscified deposits which are required for such useful activities are walking to the bathroom, running to catch a flight, and fleeing from predators.
Honestly, such questions never cease to amaze me. I for one would be absolutely petrified of asking such a ridiculous question, not only due to the fact that it displays your absolutely disturbing sense of vanity, but also because you run the risk of having equally stupid people going around laughing at you for being a gristle-joined lardy. Although it is difficult to describe the emotions which course through me when I encounter such brazen stupidity, I will say this: the last time I was this angry, the quarrel was resolved with a drunken midnight duel in a forrest clearing with polo mallets. Needless to say, I won. Also needless to say, knees also figured prominently in that mallet-swinging fight to the death.
While I am afraid that I cannot offer any practical advice on how to change the shape of your knees, I can however, recommend that you take a look at the following series of WWII photographs. They wil not shape up or help you tone your knees. They will, however, make you feel a good deal better about your own body. Cheers!
Marc with a C, 3:50 PM
