Bomb Throwing Pacifist

It's been a while since a nice, long, in-depth post here at BTP (kinky!). However, while I was going to post several of the more interesting spoors plopped out by third-rate wingnuts last week, I found that I would get halfway into a dissection before a strange sense of hopelessness settled ove rme. "Oh sure, Marc" I would say, wiping the blood for yet another Marie Jon' column off of my surgical instuments and turning off the lights. "Sure, this coulm-analysis stuff is funny, but still, there's something wrong. After all, no matter how unintentionally funny and ridiculous the next wingnut column to cross my desk will be, there is still no escaping one crucial fact: France is going to lose to Brazil on Saturday). Well, now that we know how that one played out, the cloud is lifted. All right wingnuts, prepare to taste pure, unadulterated Gallic wrath on a scale which you have never before experienced.

Today's column is from our young friend Christian Hartsock (20/m/probably bi-curious), who will be lecturing us on the horrors of non-marital sex in the latter 20th and early 21st centuries. Take it away, Christian!

Liberals are like babies. They are. You give a baby a beautiful, shining glass vase and he'll smash it on the floor. In the same way, God gave us marriage and sex and liberals have ruined both of those too.

Well, ideally the baby's initial reaction would be to smash the glass vase over Mr. Hartsock's head and then stab him in the face with the remaining shards of glass, I imagine that in a pinch the floor would provide an equally dense surface on which the baby could take out his or her aggression. As to God giving us marriage and sex, I'm not sure who the best man at Adam and Eve's wedding ceremony was, but I'd love to know what happened to mankind's penile bone on the wedding night. Perhaps that was the missing rib that God took when He created Eve?

In the 1950s, marriage was something women looked forward to, so much that they married at ages like 19 and 20.

It should also be noted that following this trend even further back in time, the people lving in the middle ages often married off their daughters as young as 16, and the Ancient Greeks were so excited at the prospect of getting married that they often married off their daughters at age 13. I blame the intrusion of liberal Christianity for this decided tapering off of enthusiasm insofar as marriage age is concerned.

As far as the 1950s are concerned, you know, it's not like there was any stigma attatched to being an unmarried young adult woman at the time (*cough cough* It's a Wonderful Life *cough* Old Maid Mary the libarian *cough*). That and the alternative was the glamourous and stress-free job taking dictation and making coffee for some old dude in an office building somewhere.

Part of the reason [women looked forward to marriage] was because they were actually waiting until marriage to have sex, unlike liberals, who encourage young teenagers to lick condoms and show their "orgasm faces" in front of a camera during mandatory "AIDS Awareness" presentations.

Dude, you had a mandatory Aids Awareness presentation which included showing people your "O" face? Freakin' awesome!! Was the new chick from logistics there? And out of curiosity, the instructor's name didn't happen to be Drew, by any chance now, was it?

O! O! You know what I'm talking about? O!

To a woman, a man interested in commitment was the biggest turn-on. It was commitment that young women longed for. In fact, for generations since, the stereotype has been that women long for commitment while men have at least fourteen one-night-stands to get out of their system before they even consider settling down with a woman.

Because if history has taught us anything, there is a no more reliable and effective way of measuring historical trends than by analizing modern stereotypes.

(And even after they're married if they find another one buried deep under the cushions, oh well! A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.)

I myself am also very intrigued by the meaning of this sentance. I wonder what kind of sofa it would take in order to get Christian to "do what a man's gotta do".

Leather and zebraskin. Oh baby...

But not anymore. Today women are afraid of commitment. While they may have a soft spot for songs with lyrics like "If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me" or "Michelle...I need you, I need you, I need you...," if you yourself utter those words to a woman, she will accuse you of "overwhelming" or "suffocating" her and will immediately dash to open the nearest window and gasp for breath.

Christian, baby, if you honestly said such things to a woman out loud and experienced that reaction, she probably wasn't gasping for breath at the window, bud. Those were dry heaves.

This is what feminism has done to women. It has demonized marriage, it has demolished prudence, and it has denigrated the concept of commitment. The only types of marriages liberals like are ones that involve male-on-male sodomy or lesbian fisting.

I can't begin to count the number of times I have been approached by feminists and told that I should go out and seek some hot male-on-male action. Makes you wonder exactly how much "research" Christian had to put into this column before considering fit to print (and whether he actually did his own research, or cribbed Ben Shapiro's notes, Ben Domenech style).

Aside from seeing it as a form of chauvinistic slavery, liberals see marriage as a commitment in the same way they see talking to someone on the subway as a commitment. Remember when first base was asking a girl out, second base was kissing her, and third base was a relationship?

Well, if by "relationship" you mean getting to "know" someone in the biblical sense of the word, then yeah, that seems to summarize my experience of the late 90's pretty well.

Well now, first base is having sex, second base is getting married, and third base is leaving your spouse for Angelina Jolie.

If only. Don't worry Angelina, baby! I'll always love you, no matter what my harpy wife may say!

If liberals only knew what they were missing out on with their hedonism and their debauchery and their insistence on fornicating with every fish in the sea before they do the whole "marriage" thing, they would realize that it is devout Christians who are having the best sex right now out of anyone on the planet.

Yeah! If only liberals would take a few minutes to stop having sex with damn near every member of the opposite gender and getting all that carnal experience, then they would realize that the true key to happiness is having a single, monogamous partner for life. That way, when your standards are so low, the monthly quickie feels that much more special. And that, folks, is a wrap.