Bomb Throwing Pacifist

While I don't mean to come off as a rude, self-absorbed southron or anything (guilty of the first two, but thankfully not the latter) has anyone else noticed the fact that CNN.com's article headlines have really gone to the cleaners these days? From today's edition, circa 2:53pm.

Sniper admits to two more killings, paper reports: Admittedly, this one is fairly obvious and as such does not require a prodigious display of intellectual calisthetics in order to comprehend. However, the question does in fact remain- what did the sniper enjoy more: pulling the trigger on his victims, or slaving furiously over the word processor in order to have his reports done in time for another episode of Law and Order? There is a profound temptation here to make a pun off of the paper's no-doubt killer content. I, on the other hand, would rather drink a urinal cake milkshake.

Men pack boats, leaving towns without husbands: Further proof that giving up on women and turning gay is not the solution to your own romantic insecurities. Oh sure, moving to Mass and marrying your long-term boyfriend sounds like striking a major blow for gender equality, but it's not all it's cracked up to be. Pretty soon you start to miss the constant stream of petty fights, simmering discontent, and incompatability-induced malaise your mother warned you about and then you'll have to go what all other Massachusetts couples do to escape from each other: you pack a boat and flee for the safety and comforts of the open ocean.

Man driving with wife's head causes crash: There are so many ways we could turn this into some kind of sick sexual joke. Instead, being a sportsman myself, I will turn it into a more appropriate analogy instead. Your wife's head should never be used as a driver. If anything, youre going to want to save that soft, downy oblong for more useful tasks when on the range, such as water bottle holder, a putter, or in a pinch as a cracking great golf cart hood ornament with which to strike terror into your foes.

Dead whale found in river, scientists puzzled: They think it must have been teens that did it. They didn't even bother to steal the radio or take the cell phone in the glove compartment.