Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

BTP tries his hand at "Shorter"

Today, kids, we are going to try something new. Well, new to us. Not new to the left blogosphere. Today we are going to try our hand at the delicious little meme which is known in the liberal blogging circles as "Shorter(s)." The object of the game is simple: take a standard, garden-variety wingnut column, skim it, and then come up with an article subtitle which is both 1) outrageously funny and 2) actually gives the reader a fairly accurate pciture of the author's main points and arguements. For your convenience, I will reproduce some recent ones from Sadly, No here.

Shorter Star Parker: It's ok to rape strippers.

Shorter Jennifer Roback Morse: Wouldn't it be great if everyone behaved in a manner consistent with my beliefs?

Shorter Jeff Jacoby: If only there was some kind of record of the bad things communist regimes did.

As you can see, while it looks easy, the task is actually quite challenging. Not only must the subtitle be funny, but it must also accurately reflect the contents inside. Conservative bloggers have tried this in the past, always with disasterous results. While studies to explain the phenomenon of why "Shorters" are almost exclusively liberal exercises, we will in the meantime bring you the first ever Bomb-Throwing Pacifist installment of Shorter TOWNHALL!!

Shorter Dennis Prager: In all my years studying totalitarianism, never have I encountered a darker and more sinister foe than that of the anti-smoking lobby.

Shorter David Limbaugh: Only by expanding the Bush tax cuts can we ever hope to recapture the unprecedented prosperity of the Reagan years.

Shorter Rebecca Hagelin: If only the mainstream media was less paranoid, then we'd hear a lot less about those silly global warming fears and focus more on what's really scarey: non-christians.

Shorter Bruce Bartlett: By picking Tony Snow as press secretary, the White House has reaffirmed Fox New's journalistic and ethical integrity.

Shorter Cal Thomas: The GOP's $100 gas rebate is proof of how far is has fallen from Reagan's small-government utopia.

Shorter Megan Basham: Casual acquaintances of mine still disagree that Bush is the best president ever. Clearly, United 93 has not been as effective as we hoped.

Shorter Phyllis Schlafly: Your taxes are high because of judicial tyrants. Kill them.

Shorter Jack Kemp: The attempt on the part of the GOP to pander to poor people is disgusting. If they're too stupid to study economics, then we probably don't want them voting for us.

Shorter Paul Greenburg: Unlike Nebraska, newspapers will never be obsolete.

There. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I did. Until next time!
Marc with a C, 2:00 PM


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