Bomb Throwing Pacifist

Ya know, there was a time a few months ago when it appeared as though the world might collapse. No, if only the danger was restricted to the evil, traitor-deafest-islamofascist sympathizers and their allies doing their darndest to undermine our Dear Leader's credibility and general leadership abilities (or lack thereof). Unfortunately, unknown to the average American red state voter, a threat even more insiduous and cunning was starting to sink its tentacles into the fibrous mass of the redblooded American Psyche. I am of course referring to the dastardly liberal plot to move into the operational phase of the War on Christmas and the beginning of brazen, daylight bombing and strafing runs by liberal ground-attack aircraft on Nativity Scenes, 10 Commandments monuments, and paper mills printing out "Merry Chistmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" cards.

However, despite the dastardly plans of the Isalmocommunist appeasnics, their plot to overthrow America's holy and mighty church-state and turn this great nation into a cesspoll of secular immorality was dealt a mortal blow and finally defeated by the last desperate alliance of Fox News anchors and conservative pundits on the ashy, wind-swept slopes of Mount Doom (incidentally, many of you will be happy to know that this mighty weapon of the Christian Alliance, John Gibson's epic tome "The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought" is available at Amazon.com for only $9.98 after it's markdown from $24.98...a savings of nearly 66%!) .

Unfortunately, just when you thought the issue was dead and buried and that John Gibson had smote the dark lord AC'LU for the final time with his rod of judgement, all is not well in Middle America. Slowly but surely, long-forgotten memories are stirred, nightmares begin to creep out of the lands to the east, and a new dark force appears on the horizon. Yes friends, today we have Cal Thomas, our resident prophet of doom, with us to call for a desperatly needed council on how we may combat this new and dangerous threat: that of the war on Easter. Take it away, Cal.

The Gospel of Unbelief
Apr 11, 2006 by Cal Thomas

It happens twice a year, at Christmas and Easter.

Church? Oh wait, no I'm sorry. That's just for most of the people I know. Carry on.

The newsweeklies sometimes carry cover stories. The newspapers print items calling the reason for these seasons into question. This Easter is no exception, but the intensity level seems to have increased.

You know, the last time I heard someone refer to "the reason for the season," Kaye Grogan was whipping out the leopard-print do rag and looked about ready to bust out some ill rhimes, cicrca 1995 stylee, yo. To be honest, you don't look much like a rapper Cal, but if Kaye can do it, I suppose anyone can. Though I must warn you, any further attempt to break down and get fonky will cause you to be rebaptised under the infitnely more appropriate gangsta name of C-tizzle.

This year's first attack came from St. Paul Minnesota where local officials decided to ban the Easter Bunny from City Hall.

Oh Lord. Here we go. Cue up the beatbox fellas, because C-tizzle is on a roll. *boom chak chak chak boom boom chak chak squzz-squzzsquzz* The year's first attack...came from St. Paul/ Min-ne-sota where local officals/ decIdedtoban the Easter Bunny from City Hall...C-tizz gives mad props to yo mutha, dawg.

They said it might offend some non-Christians, as if the Easter Bunny has anything to do with Easter's real significance. Apparently it escaped the notice of the city council that the Easter Bunny might offend Christians, because, like Santa Claus, it is a counterfeit.

St. Nicholas is a counterfeit? A fraud, iI hear you say? Don't say that too loudly near the Patriarch of Constantinople, C-tizzie. He might overhear you. And then you can bet your booty you'd be right off of his Christmas card list. Although I will allow the Easter Bunny point. If anything, I do hear that he furry fellow is a representative of the pagan pantheon...and therefore in league with SATAN!!!

I am sad...

It's okay, St. Nicholas the Wonderworker. It's okay. At least the people of Myra will always remember you fondly ;)

Newspapers also carried a story about a Florida State University scientist who speculated that Jesus didn't really walk on water; he walked on ice.

How dare those bastards question my pre-conceived religious beliefs with their so-called "facts" and "science"! Next thing you know, those damned liberal scientists will be telling us that pollution is melting the ice caps and causing global warming. Or even worse, the evil endangered species protectionists, backed by the powerful conservation lobby, will try to swoop in and exclude thousands of acres of untapped wetlands on the roups that some stupid animals actually live there! But then again, you do have to take their conclusions with a grain of salt. You can't hardly trust anything that is free, or at least, inexpensive. We conservativers have known that little factoid for years: best science is the kind you pay for.

The New York Times piled on by trumpeting the discovery of a fossil in Arctic Canada as a "missing link," which it editorialized "puts the lie to creationist beliefs."

Not exactly.

Oh, snap. You'd best watch yourself, NYT or C-Tizz is liable to bust a cap. On a more serious note, I like the way that Cal can just dismiss such evidence out of hand with the editorial equivalent of an elementary school playground "uh-huuuuuuuuuh!" Why didn't he just write "Does not!" and move right along? And on another serious note, where the hell does Thomas get off saying stuff like that? I mean, no offense, but one of the strongest (which is to say, least weak) arguements the creationists have been advancing for years is that evolutionary theory lacks the expected transitional fossils to support its theory of increasing complexity. And here some scientists go ahead and actually find a pretty good example of a missing link, and the best people like Thomas can do is act like Michael Jackson at a special-effects laden concert-maintain a stiff upper lip and act like they dont notice their hair is on fire. And on a side note, is it just me, or does anyone else notice that of all the dinosaur bones they pull out of the ground, not a single one of them appears to be anywhere close to 6,000 years old? I mean, no offense, but if you're going to argue that such findings do no contradict the Bible, you're going to have to come up with a better excuse than "God did it to fool us and only made it look that old to fool the unbelievers."

Next was a story on the "Gospel of Judas," a work written between 130 and 170 C.E., long after the events it purports to describe. In this document, Jesus is revealed as having urged Judas to betray him. That a number of Judas' contemporaries said otherwise in Scripture matters not to skeptics.

Well since skeptics tend to take the whole "religion" thing with a grain of salt anyway, I think you'd have to work pretty hard to find a true skeptic that selectively skeptical. I mean, paint me jaded, but even I am going to have a hard time keeping a straight face around a guy (or gal) who's all like "the Bible sucks and it's a pack of lies" who suddenly turns around and is all like "sweet! Judas is for cool and this new manuscript proves it!" And, on a slightly tangential note, tell me, Mr. Thomas...did you just refer to the dates of the manuscript is years C.E.? CE?? The Common Era instead of A.D., the Year of Our LORD? Oh ye of little faith, who is the unbeliever now?

Adding to the gospel of unbelief is the movie version of the best-selling novel, "The Da Vinci Code," which, if it is faithful to the book, will mix a few historical facts with a great deal of fiction. The book claims Jesus married Mary Magdalene and fathered children. The film is scheduled for release next month. Like the book, the movie will have as much to do with fact as Oliver Stone's film on the Kennedy assassination.

I totally agree. C-Tizz, I believe that in light of such revelations you and I must lead the charge against the filth and violence being peddled by Hollywood today! As such, in keeping with the actions of other religious figures aroudn the world when they feel that their beleifs have been slighted, I demand that we immediately boycott California- nay- all of Blue America! That will teach them a thing or two about making fun of the beliefs of the majority of the country. Gratned, we'll still accept their federal tax dollars of course, those roads and electrification projects ain't gonna pay for themselves ya know.

What is responsible for this flood of skepticism, heresy and outright denial of the biblical record?

Gay marriage? Immigrants? Taxes?

Why is there not a similar cultural onslaught against other faiths?

Danish cartoons? Ann Coulter and the infamous Crusade comments? The persecution of mainstream, liberal, anti-war churches by the IRS for "political" activity while at the same time conservative, fundamentalist, pro-war denominations get off scott free?

The skeptics sound like those disclaimers for certain drugs sold on TV: Side effects may include vomiting, hair loss, bleeding, dizziness and disorientation.

Funny. C-Tizzle seems to know an awful lot about the side effects of "certain drugs" sold on the tee vee. I can't help but wonder, when was the last time he and Rush Limbaugh had an all-night sleepover?

The side effects of believing in Jesus may include loss of friends, disrespect by the academic and journalistic communities and damage to one's career, not to mention a complete change in the life to which one has become comfortably accustomed.

Funny, that sounds an awful lot like the side effects of dropping a load of Quaaludes on one's lunch break. Mr. Thomas, is your brand of Jesus available over the counter, or do you have to get a prescription?

So, how does one know it is true? First, not a single witness of that first Easter morning subsequently denied what he (or she) observed. Human nature tells us that when those who publicly stated Jesus rose from the grave were threatened with death unless they recanted, at least one, and probably more, would have said it never happened, if it didn't occur. They would have wanted to live. Not one recanted. All of the Apostles died martyrs deaths, except John, who died in exile.

Funny thing that. Using the the text the Bible contains in order to justify the Bible as a whole, which justifies in turn the text it contains to...wait...And in any case, while I certainly make no claims to being a Biblical scholar, I have read the Gospels and the Acts of the Apostles and can't specifically recall the particular passage where it says no one ever recanted and who died which deaths. Perhaps Mr. Thomas would like to provide the reference for us?

The second reason is also logical.

No, I guess not.

What kind of loving father would direct his lost children through a bad neighborhood, if he wanted them to get home safely? If no human father would be so cruel, why would God, after giving up His Son to die for humanity, create a flawed road map so they would get lost in their search for Him?

Well, I hate to break it to ya, but considering the fact that according to the Bible He was more than willing to let His chosen people wander around in the desert for 40-plus years because he was pissed off at them doesn't exactly establish him as a paragon of kindness and a model of compassion for his subject, eh? I don't eactly think that the Sinai peninsula and Eastern Egypt exactly counts as a great place for a road trip either.

Christians who believe the Bible's account of Easter believe it because they also believe God's spirit guarded human hands from making errors in recording these events.

Well, I guess he is right, up to a point, within the limitations of his own arguement. Now if only a skeptic like me could figure out just what the hell he is trying to say, then we might be able to debate him.

Skeptics have no such guide. They should be humbled that God is far wiser than the wisest man. (1 Corinthians 1:25-27)

Yeah, good luck getting him to sign up to be your lifeline in "Who Wants to be a Millionaire," though. And if a literal, word-for-word interpretation (or lack thereof) of the Bible is what we are supposed to use as the foundation for our moral principles, then I will take my Aristotelian and Hippocratic ethics and go someplace where they might be useful, thank you. Like, say, Europe, or Canada. Or the Blue states/ Or hell, pratcially anywhere in this country in the 1950s through 70s.

Before accepting what heretics and unbelievers say, consideration should be given to what is contained in the guidebook.

And thus ends this chapter in what will no doubt be another long and grueling campaign in the war on Easter. If ever in doubt, folks just remember the wise council of C-Tizzle, Easter Warrior extraordinaire: before listening to what a heretic or a unbeliever says, be sure to crossreference your Bible beforehand, lest he through some cunning or trickery actually make sense and convince you of his non-heretical nature.