Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

(Another) Reagan in '08!

You know, despite all my bitching and ranting about the current state of politics in this country. I actually do tend to be on the fairly optimistic side. I mean sure, Bush is still president, but his adminsitration is bailing water so fast you'd almost guess there's more water in his ship than in the ocean. Sure, Scalia's still an asshole, but he's an embittered asshole and as such may blow an ulcer at any point, thus taking himself out, as well as the ever critical Thomas vote (which, deprived of its guiding beacon, may just end up thrashing around and churning water while the rest of the justices sail on ahead without him). And fortunately, despite all assurances to the contrary, the GOP's 2008 presidential hopefuls seem to be self-destructing faster than Ken Lay's Bahamas-bound retirement party.

I mean, who on earth can the GOP come up with nowadays? Tom Delay is under investigation for corruption and in any case would never be president anyway. He's just too dirty and common and vulgar (accusations which, despite the official rhetoric about being "the party for the regular people," are actually quite potent in the GOP). Frist? Ditto (although this time on insider trading chargers). Santorum? Eh, he was involved in that whole Schiavo mess. Guilani or McCain? Sorry boys, you're just too damn squishy and liberal (McCain's "don't vote for me but put down Bush as a write-in in 2008" ass kissing spectacle notwithstanding).

The one dark spot on the horizon as far as I can tell in Senator George Allen from Virginia. Not only is he right-wing crazy in the mold of W., but he also has so far managed to escape any of the taint of corruption that has been floating around the GOP recently. And to make matters even better, he's from my home state. Go figure.

Fortunately for you, gentle readers, Townhall has decided to fill in the blanks and has conveniently serialized the Republican candidates for 2008. However, before you read the following, I strongly recommend you visit Jesus' General to familiarize yourself with the enigma that is George Allen. After all, it isn't every day that you get to find a man who actually expresses regret at having supported hate-crime legislation because through an oversight he neglected to note that one of the groups he was voting to protect was homosexuals. How embarrasing. ANd so, without further do, here is Elliot Peirce (a project manager for Starboard Communications, a conservative political marketing and strategy firm in Lexington, South Carolina- at the tender age of 23 no less!). Take it away Elliot!

Is America ready for another George?

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COLUMBIA, SC -- George Allen is a serious contender for the Republican nomination for president. A former governor, he wears cowboy boots and can often be found outside with his can of dip.

Well, we've got the cowboy boots and chewing tabbacky. I'd say he's 80% there.

Consequently, some Republicans like Allen, because he seems the most like George W. Bush—a charge Allen can’t quite understand, and frankly, rejects. "I don’t know why people say that," he said.

A member of the political and social elite who pays identity politics with his "working man" roots and is somehow able to convince the ordinary Americans that he's just a regular guy who happens to be running for President. And who's dad is a priviledge and semi-famous Hall of Fame football coach. Yeah I have no clue how people could make that link between the two.

"My two role models are Thomas Jefferson and Ronald Reagan. Most people who know me think I’m most like Ronald Reagan." At the start of his speech, Allen proclaimed himself a "common sense, Jeffersonian conservative" and later quoted Patrick Henry.

You heard it here first kids. In keeping with his role model, Thomas Jefferson, George Allen will promote close ties with France, will break the alliance with England, and force congressional cafetria workers to call freedom fries "pommes frites de liberte."

In fact, his talking points on government were so similar to Reagan’s that it seemed as if he had just read a few of the Gipper’s speeches on the way down to South Carolina.

Yet another conservative plagarism scandle. Imagine that. On a side note, it is interesting to see the divergence between the two thought models here. On the one hand, us blue-staters tend to think that copying someone else's ideas and speeches is immoral and bad. For the right, that's all about staying "on message." If it wasn't for the fact that this is a Townhall column, I'd almost be tempted to see that last sentance as a bit of a rebuke.

Allen passionately emphasized his Reagenesque fiscal conservatism and Jeffersonian ideals on limited government. Most of his speech focused on lessening government and lowering the burdens placed on businesses.

And in keeping with Reagan's fiscal conservatism and Jefferson's love of small government, Allen will make riding up another multi-trillion dollar defeceit his first priority and ask congress to invest trillions more into an anti-missle shield that barely works, all the while cutting down on the waste and fat that really hurts America- like public education, school lunches, and public library budgets.

He added, "Government doesn’t create jobs […] but government should get the field ready." In other words, government should get out of the way.

You know, for a second there, I thought that George Allen and I agreed on something. He almost seemed to be making sense. But then Elliot's helpful commentary shot that intriguing possability to bits. Damn. And I was just about to crack a good one too...

One way for government to get out of the way is to lower taxes. "Washington doesn’t have a revenue problem; Washington has a spending problem," he said. "The taxpayers are the owners of the government. That’s who we [Congress] work for."

And like most good, red-blooded Americans, it is our sincere hope that we can continue to downsize and scale back our emplyee's operations in order to justify cutting back on their pay, all the while happily opening up new and exciting foreign governments overseas where the costs of doing business are a lot lower.

Our focus right now needs to be on extending the tax cuts: the capital gains cut, the dividend cut, and the elimination of the death tax, which sunsets in 2010." Tax cuts equate to economic growth. He added, "The tax cuts since 2001 have created 5 million new jobs in the private sector

That's funny. According to the facts I have here, unemployment was up to 6.4% in 2003, the highest level it had been in over 9 years. In fact, under this administration, Bush was the first president to create fewer jobs than the economy lost since the Truman administration. Right now, the unemployment level is at about 4.8%, representing about 7.2 million people. I'm sorry that the facts to not match your opinions, Mr. Allen. I will revise them immediately.

Allen went on to argue that Congress should view the taxpayers’ money as its own and spend it frugally, just as members would spend their own paychecks. "We need to look at things and see if it is absolutely necessary to spend the taxpayers’ money," Allen argued.

$250 Billion-plus war? Check.

Perhaps his most innovative suggestion is the "Paycheck Penalty." Congress often doesn’t pass the appropriations bills in time and adds millions of dollars worth of pork spending at the last minute. "If Congress does not pass the appropriations bill by October 1, the start of the new fiscal year, [congressmen’s] paychecks will be withheld. It’s their job; they need to get it done."

Considering the median net worth of your average congressman is about $350,000, I'm sure they're quaking in their boots that they might lose their government health insurance.

Allen also touched on immigration. He replied, "First and foremost, we need to secure our borders. They have been neglected." He highlighted the need for more personnel, more fences (both real and virtual), and more detention centers. "I don’t think we should reward illegal behavior […] you must punish illegal behavior, or you’ll get more illegal behavior." He also replied, "I’m not for amnesty […] I’m for immigration, but it must be legal immigration."

So much for those "Todos Unidos Con Allen" bumper stickers.

Of course, Allen couldn’t visit South Carolina and not field tough questions on social issues. When asked about abortion, he stated, "That should be decided by the states." He seemed to think the South Dakota ban is too strict and added, "I personally would add an exemption for rape and incest." If the Nebraska ban on partial birth abortion—which will soon be before the Supreme Court—is upheld, Allen foresees the Senate passing a ban again. "We did once, and it was held up."

So basically, what you're saying Elliot, is that Allen is against abortion, except in the cases when he is for it? That sounds pretty...oh I don't know...flip-floppy to me...

Allen also defended the 2nd Amendment. "The 2nd Amendment is part of our Bill of Rights." "Law abiding citizens should be able to protect themselves and their property," he stated.

Including Especially really valuable property, like their lady-folk's wombs!

Unfortunate for Allen’s presidential prospect tour, the senator has an opponent for re-election. James Webb, former Secretary of the Navy running as the opposing Democrat. However, with the right effort and the same message on which Allen has delivered for Virginia since being in Congress, he should emerge victorious.

Well, considering the last time Allen was unseated it was because Virginia redistricted in order to be more racially diverse and representative and to comply with federal laws, I'd say so long as the minority vote can be surpressed effectively the whole "A vote for a democrat is a vote for gays, abortions, France, and Osama" line should work pretty well."

Allen is clearly the secret presidential frontrunner in the minds of many political types in South Carolina.

Not anymore-ooooops. Elliot! Elliot! Ix-nay on-ay e-thay ecret-say andidate-kay. Ou'll-yay uin-ray erything-evay!

Marc with a C, 3:12 PM


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