Bomb Throwing Pacifist

If you took that happy, smiling guy from the box of Quaker Oats, handed him a bottle of gin and a rifle, and pissed him off to a point where he decided he wasn't going to take it anymore, you'd get a little something like this.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Friday Fling Blogging

Hey there folks. All week I was contemplating doing something truly special for you all in celebration of the long weekend and a job well done. As we all know, Friday is the best day of the working week and while the remaining four days are devoted to endlessly slaving over the whims of our bosses, Friday is ours! In celebration of the best day of the week, I decided to put together something really smashing. Something really unique. Something so remarkably and deliciously good that it would still have you cracking up Tuesday morning. A column so momentous and tropically moving that it practically leaps off the screen, grabs a brewski, cranks up the volume on the old Magnavox and begins stomping in time to the techno remix of "Cotton-Eye Joe."

But in the spirit of Friday morning, I decided to go for the simpler, more straightforward (and let's face it, easier) approach in a little number I like to call "screw 'em. Let them write their own damn columns." While I certainly would like to be able to report that I lived up to my own high standards and was able to deliver the goods, let's face it, deep down you all knew it wasn't gonna happen. So instead, I give you this. Oh sure, it may FEEL like a 600-ton, chrome steel-plated chrono gladiator ripping off all your limbs and stomping on your head while hooting in simian delight, at least you'll be happy to know that it didn't fling any poo at you. And so, without further ado, I bring you the beautiful, talented Kaye Grogan in a little number she calls

What's next . . . surrendering our flag?

Image hosting by Photobucket
I think it is way past time some heads in Washington went to the shrink's office and laid down on the long black couch. To even consider allowing a company associated with the middle east to have access to six of our US seaports is beyond lunacy!
And with that, we hit the ground running. Silly Kay, heads can't go to the shrink's office and lie down on couches...they don't have backs to lie on! The best they could hope for would be to just sort of sit there on the black leather sofa and stare up at the psychiatrist with pleading Bambi eyes, begging to be released from the sheer, unrelenting torment that is their disembodied existence. The might try to plead their case orally too, but without a larynx, the best they'd be able to do really would be to move their lips and gurgle in a grotesque parody of human speech.
If this is the only way we can help the economy, then we're in worse trouble than initially thought. We would be better off to just keep eating our pinto beans, cornbread, and forget about Caviar. I never liked it anyway!
GAH!! What the..? Who the...? Is this still a part of the same freaking paragraph? Apparently so. On an interesting side note, it is certainly fascinating to observe the speed at which Kaye's mind can switch gears from lamenting the lack of national security at seaports (or something...maybe psychiatrists' offices) to how she doesn't like caviar, without even making the mandatory stop at "we hate the French" junction.

It's certainly tempting to subscribe to the more conventional ideas such as the possibility that Kaye has multiple personality disorder or that the metal plates in her head cause her to channel various radio stations depending on where she stands. Hell, I'm even open to the possibility that demonic possession is responsible for the unmitigated horrors we are witnessing here. However, even that sort of evil is a little too mundane to express the sheer, tingling horror this paragraph invokes. I think that perhaps the best explanation is that Kaye's brain is in fact inhabited by some sort of transdimensional, semi-omnipresent spider which co-exists on multiple planes of reality simultaneously and as such cannot truly be fathomed or understood according to traditional western logic and science.
Congress should do more than just look at the hideous proposal. It's way past time our government put their "gonna protect us from the bad guys" beyond the usual worn out lip-sync we're all tired of hearing. They need to get serious about national security. We are not paying big salaries up there in Washington, for our lawmakers and do-nothing committees to be so far removed from sanity.
While I am with Kaye on the necessity of the government putting aside their usual worn out lip-sync, I'm not sure that's really necessary when it comes to the government's "gonna protect us from the bad guys." In fact, I think that their "gonna protect us from the bad guys" is still a fairly viable extension of the "gonna do something" Act of 2001, but doesn't delve deep enough into their "gotta fix something for us" proposal advanced by more prominent members of the opposition. However, I think lawmakers should carefully heed Kaye's words regarding the removal of one's sanity. After all, she is an avowed and leading expert in the field.
What's next? Access to our war arsenals? Why not just hand over our flag and be done with it?
I couldn't agree more. I think it's high time that we hand over our war arsenals and flag to congress. If, we, can't..."beat," them as Kaye, might "say," we may, as well join, them.
I'm with Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma. To hand over our ports for lease to Dubai Ports World is just asking for more trouble. How much common sense does it take for someone to realize the real danger of playing with fire? In this case, it's more like playing with time bombs, literally!
May the gods damn those time-bomb playing common-sense impaired...sombodies...who have the nerve to think we are in the middle of playing with fire! You can always pour water on a fire. But if you were to "pour" water on the time bomb, while playing with it, you might find youself, infected, with "typhus-" literally!!
The lawmakers are already lamenting that we can't secure our own borders. So what are we supposed to do? The average person does not have underground bunkers built for them, that resemble the Hilton Hotel, reserved only for the Washington VIP class, to cower in, while the rest of Americans inhale deadly chemicals from nuclear weapons.
You know, there are several hilarious, gut-busting, thighbone-shatteringly funny jokes crawling under the surface of this statement, but I just can't bring myself to birth them. It just hurts so bad... Though in all seriousness, I can only feel a certain degree of envy regarding that Washington VIP class who's professor has the forethought to reserve that underground Hilton Hotel for them to cower in. Not only will the rest of us who signed up for stupid Astronomy 101 be left choking on deadly chemicals from nuclear weapons, we won't even get to see Paris gyrating to "hot for teacher."
Let's take a close look at how the hard-working American people have been sold out. We were told how important to the economy the free and fair trade agreements would be. Now I'm not an accountant, but even a "zombie" can figure out that an astronomical $725.8 billion trade deficit can't help anybody's economy to grow. Next, we are told how guest workers also help the economy.
Oh, ho ho. I know what you're thinking. "Holy crap! The trans-dimensional spider in Kaye's head has somehow completed the jump to rational space and is actually expressing a semi-valid statement!" Well, the fact that Kaye carefully notes that even a "zombie" can figure out that huge deficits= bad (Bush administration- take note!) does on first glance cause us to perhaps reassess Kaye's Marianas Trench-like position on the universal scale of human intelligence, but don't get too excited just yet. Remember, we're talking about freaking PORT SECURITY!!! The fact that Kaye was able to articulate a half-thought on roughly the same intellectual level as that of a slightly retarded bit of Granite (whose parents were both alcoholic) should not detract from the fact that she's lurched so far from the topic of discussion it would make Stephen King queasy. And she's not done yet!
I am not against immigrants who come to America legally — so don't get your tonsils crossed up spewing venom! And we must not leave out how many hotels, banks, textile, and furniture businesses are now foreign owned right here in the good ole' USA.
You know, the last time my tonsils were crossed, I honestly thought it was from too much venom-spewing as well. However, upon close examination the doctor was kind enough to inform me that my tonsils were not in fact crosses at all, but had ratheracquiredd a half-dozen boxes of plastique in a misguided attempt to commit suicide rather than face the prospect of another Kaye Grogan column. Oh well, I soon whipped those little buggers back into line.
We want America back. . .and we want her back now! And that's just my opinion! No- change that!. . .I believe a lot of other people share this opinion too!
OH SNAP!! President Bush, I believe you have your answer to prepare. I'll go get the korn likker. For the rest of you, happy Friday!!
Marc with a C, 10:47 AM


Add a comment